Tammy's Space

Thinking is a Gift ~ Use it wisely

No More abuse of any kind……

  fIRST OFF DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING ! WHAT i DEPICT IN THIS ARTICLE ARE MY OPINIONS ONLY . NEVER JUDGE ANYONE YOU HAVEN’T WALKED IN THEIR SHOES NOR HEARD THEIR SIDE OF THE STORY !!

Be Calm!! Don’t React to the Negativity of Others ! kindly take Control of yourself , your emotions, your thoughts. Be in control of your thought process  . It is all  about Choices. Those CHOICES are Yours- not everyone else’s  ,Yours , Remember it is All ABOUT YOU! Stay Focussed, Encourage Yourself, Be-Calm, Decide what is allowed to Repeat its self in your Beautiful Mind. kick those hiJackers/ hitch hikers to the Curb. LOVE YOURSELF !

STOP giving space to Ungrateful, Users, and abusers .WALK OUT ,Hang up, don’t answer, Stop Rescuing Others and SAVE YOURSELF.   You are giving Them Permission!! Don’t get mad at Others for how they TREAT YOU ! YOU HAVE TO SAY… “ NO MORE !!!” . If you continue to let people say and do to you whatever and keep forgiving them over and over ,you’re only lowering your own self esteem . but creating a monster. You think you’re helping that other person, by constantly giving them Grace and acknowledging their  pain  `because they want to get better` etc. The TRUTH is  you’re not doing anything good for you or them by letting them  continue in the same behavior or actions.

YOU BOTH ARE REPEAT OFFENDERS ! You either become defensive and strike out or become submissive and strike in.You start repeating the behavior that you hate is being put upon yourself.  And then this anger boils up inside. Sometimes a look, a smell or a time of day, yes even a season , will trigger this old behavior, this old nagging anger, resentment and bitterness .Then you begun to react to everything in your environment. Innocent people, children playing, the dog barking, the horns honking. everything begins to rub you raw. Because You Chose Yes” You” you made these choices and truthfully some of those choices you didn’t know you were making because you were just reacting 

REACTING ! Yes, reacting to a way that has become so natural for you it’s what you’ve always seen. it’s what has always How do I know because I did I have come back from so many many challenges . life challenges .depression, suicidal, beatings rapes . All because of bad /poor decisions .I was programmed to believe that I was unworthy that I’d never amount to shit. I was programmed from birth that I was unwanted ! I was treated like I was unwanted all of my childhood years .They were horrifying and no it wasn’t all in my mind . After my daddy died in my arms and 1996 for the first time I got to sit down with my mother and actually ask her questions like why she hated me and she told me her story. My father was a drunk. He beat her  daily and she got pregnant with me and she couldn’t leave him because  she had three other kids. So I was unwanted from conception and trust me I knew it . I lived it. I was ignored ,I was pushed away when I cried or reached out to be hugged. I was last. I got the old worn out hand me downs . I was beat ,cursed daily .I was left behind when they went to do family things. I WAS UNWANTED !

As Hard as that is to even say, to admit to other people , It’s how I learned to be the Loving and Caring person I am !

Now listen , I know we all have horror stories of pain and abuse. I also know that no one wants to hear about others pain , well frankly I do. Only because I know from experience how hard it is to talk about  and get help for it . I also know about all the damn drugs doctors shove at you instead of getting you the proper help ,and sometimes just talking and being given the proper tools and how to`s can change your life. I’m not asking for anyone’s pity. I have pitied myself all my life,and it showed throughout my life . I just could not figure out WHY ME ? Why was I repeating the same mistakes all through my life?

I hated where I came from , I hated I had no family ,I hated no one understood the pain i was carrying . I hated that I made bad choice after bad choice. I hated me ,and no matter how much someone else tried to Love me , My thoughts of love were so distorted .I believed  If I just did this better than others or if I changed something or everything about me ,I would be happy. It was all lie. No one ever told me I didn’t love myself ! No One told me that Jesus wasn’t gonna change my attitude and being a christian would just miraculously change my thinking , because it didn’t , It actually made me hate myself worse . I just wasn’t like everyone else.I didn’t understand what or why everyone treated me with such hate , I didn’t understand when I made decisions to not be like everyone else and be a part of the clique` that I was saying stay away. That’s what I felt and truthfully I lived my whole life on feeling. That’s not really a bad thing because I was so aware of others pains and their need for love I was there and I MADE A DIFFERENCE in many lives. I just hated that loneliness that being left out . I didn’t know how to find people like me because I was secretly telling myself “they won’t accept you”. I had no idea I was living in constant fear and rejection though I had an exterior of a warrior a hard shell of “you won’t hurt me ” and that kept people away . I’ve been told by many friends  “people Just don’t KNOW know You”. People have no idea my past or what I have survived and it sent me into a constant Deep dark depression of yes ,YOUR NOT WANTED !!  And I was treated for severe depression , i have been doped up on meds that made me even worse , I don’t know if what I was feeling was real or if I was doing something wrong ,because people stayed away from me , they hurt me more and more and more by only calling when they needed me . Everyone calls me when they need me .But to tell you the truth no one has ever just called to say Hello , How are you ?, or hey wanna go to dinner . I was an outcast!!!!!!

Well let’s Ponder why?  Ill tell you why BECAUSE NO ONE WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT MY PAIN ,NO ONE WANTED TO HEAR HOW BAD I WAS FEELING, AND TRUTHFULLY I DAMN SURE DON’T BLAME THEM !!!!  I had no idea that’s how people ,my family, my kids , my husband , all viewed me as a clammering fool. A great big pile of misery. See in MY MIND  I WAS, ALWAYS ,  UPLIFTING ,always cheering all of them on , I helped everyone that asked for it . SO what the hell was i missing ? What was I not seeing or hearing ? Why wouldn’t anyone Just tell me ?   Well one day my son did ,grant it he doesn’t talk to me like he did, he never has ,and as for my daughter she just says get over it and walks away. It caused me to Take three bottles of some there was no way i was gonna live this time!  AH SHIT I DID! Yep I lived ,I woke up approximately 3 days later. There was vomit everywhere . All my art and coffee table and everything was flipped upside down.I was so sick ,I had just previously heard that my best friend’s husband had sex with me while I was passed out . I was a total wreck . I was suicidal ,And could not ask for help. I tried to reach out , I begged my kids to come visit . I had been recently hospitalized for Pneumonia , I was going through a divorce , I was scared I was all alone. I had that constant reminder of “see I told you were unwanted”, and that what I thought rang true , Daily yearly ,moment after miserable moment. I had no idea how to save myself. I had a pacemaker put in approximately 6 months before maybe a little longer ,I had moved twice and failed.I had lost everything I cherished ,My family my animals ,My husband ,My friends. And I did not know why !

What I do know now , Is that if I continue to even look down my horrible past it brings that pain to the now, I CAN’T ! I WON’T!  I REFUSE! . I tear up even to share this pain with you all. It sad to read, Its a pain in my Heart and mind and deep core. Why because I dread to think of it as anyone else going through what I did. I know pain well. I cannot sit and watch someone else go through it because I know what it is like . I don’t dare judge anyone for the pain they have gone through going through even if they bring it on themselves. With that said yo must understand that for me to have lived through what I have ,God has also widen my senses and give me the tools to recognize it in others and to give them a helping hand that they might need. I don’t know how much longer I will be here on this earth but I’m going to Live it to the fullest the best I can. None of us are promised tomorrow ,nor today for that matter ,so it is so very crucial that you take a deep breathe and do what you can with what you have been graced with and let the pains of yesterday go.

There Is no sense in rehashing that pain anymore, LET IT GO ! you will never be good enough for everyone. Just be good enough for yourself! Seek Joy ,seek out love in others let those who repeatedly hurt you go. I know its very ,very ,hard .On me because I only have two children I wanted to spend my last days with them , but I refuse to force them or keep begging to spend time with them. A gentle reminder I love them , a tear or two but then its GONE !! I cant control what they let people put in their minds ,nor what comes out of their mouth , I am a mother First, Always , but I am human also. I am a person with wants needs and desires  for myself and the best for my kids. You cannot hold onto what you meant , or what yo should of ,could of  done or said , you apologize for your part and Move on.

I have put away all the pictures around my house and photo albums, I post beautiful memories on line to share the Joy I did with others , I hope to lift someone else’s spirits as my kids and grandkids did for me for several years. I dont tread that memory road lightly ,I’m very careful , i know my moods and when I sick and down with pain , I dare not look backwards it only makes things worse because I am not in a happy state of mind , I have to look for peace in my self and find other things i love and cherish and fulfill them . Sometimes  that is do NOTHING AT ALL.

SO Forgive yourself daily , stop wishing, yet,Never stop dreaming! Be good to yourself and don’t be quick to give up and never be ashamed to ask for help from at least one person. that one person may have so much love to give and just be waiting for that special someone to give it or share it with.

Remember : opinions are like ass holes ,everyone has one ,GOOD and BAD !

Sorry ,  I had to say it !    oh and if the spelling and grammar is wrong ,, too bad ,,In my heart I know I have touched someone ,to let them know  “They’re not Alone !”

Damn Feelings!

 

 

 

Everyone has Feelings , We All have emotions. Why is it you Just cant get over those feelings? Why are we afraid of our emotions?

Society has dictated for so long that if your are sad and blue ,you Must be Depressed. Lets look at the word  de- Press -ed,

depress

 

Simple Definition of depress

  • : to make (someone) feel sad : to make (someone) depressed
  • : to decrease the activity or strength of (something)
  • : to press (something) down

SO there you have it . If you decrease your feelings , if you push down what your feeling or hold it in ,than yes Your liable for depression.

We were not built to hold things in ,Nothings everything is to flow freely and if you try to press down what your feeling ,then you try to hold on to it , you are working against your Body and how it was created and how it is to FREE FLOW.  When those Happy moments come , we all want to hold on to them but its not natural because if you hold on to them so tightly you wont grow. You are holding onto something that was meant to move freely. Its Like trying to hold an wild animal ,ither your gonna get angry with it and sustain injuries including bit or clawed ,so now you are angry and possibly sad that you taken the joy out of admiring and even touching the animal and was damn lucky you even got to hold it, and tho whole time this animal was just wanting to be free free to mve , free to come and go.

So lets look at greif and or sadness. Here again we want to hold on to someone who might be passing , or we fear them passing, It is actually our stinginess that wants to keep someone here in our life because we dont want to feel the pain of loosing them.  And then we become fearful and sad and then angry becasue we dont have Control over Life and Death. We humans are so damn stubburn ,and are taught from childhood that things should always be the same , Many people call it stability , and actually those I know with said stability are on such a strict routine ther eis no time for anything else ,including living Life itself.

If we can remember the concept of evern the seasons that we endure every year of our life. That in its self is a lesson for everything else in your life. This too shall pass! Things , wear out , emotions are meant to be felt and then let go, People grow,People die, people leave, We are not supposed to hold on to anything for a life time but Love.

Love is misused and abused by so many , They dont even know what Love is , again lets take a look at what the dictionary says about Love.

LOVE

Simple Definition of love

  • : a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person
  • : attraction that includes sexual desire : the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship
  • : a person you love in a romantic way
  • You see that Just Like I said its the only thing that is constant. Now heres the Problem though, everyone of us have been touched by and hurt by Love , We all desire it , Fear it , embrace it , Enjoy it , And you it to describe how we are feeling,
  • You cant change Love your feelings alter , You dont change Love , I wont get to technical here Im trying to make a point , and that point is  Stop thinking you have the right to hold on and never let go of anything in Life !  If you can do that one thing and remember that everything comes and and goes just like the seasons and you know you have no control over them . SO once you get that downpack in your memory you can Now start KNOWING that this too shall pass , This too will Pass , and This to aint Passing then go back to number one , LET IT GO ! Picture the wild kitty trying to free and you holding on, You are creating your own Grief and pain ! Let it Go by not stuffing your feelings , not hiding from your feelings ,but feeling what you are feeling even when its really tough ,you have to feel what your feeling to grow and flourish ,if you hold it in you will become like a stagnant pond ,and you created by holding on, and then you have all these maggots adn annoying flies constantly trying to get at you , those are the negative people and actions you have given birth to by damning up your emotions.
  • So tear down those walls, Tear down those Beliefs , break the damn and let your self flow freely as God intended you to!!!!!

Memories

Memories

Memories are meant for a reason

Wow! I never knew that writing would be so freeing! I can only encourage you ALL to try it. I have found that when we put things away for a time, we mean to forget them or get back to them later. Later seems to never come ,or we completely forgot about them or that, and usually for a darn good reason. But eventually things do get found and we have to decide do we keep it, or throw it away. Many times have i just threw things in a box because I just wasn’t ready to make a decision yet. Someday I will do that we all think and we really mean to, but life has a way of demanding your attention elsewhere.

Taking the time to go through and sort out some feelings you have pushed down , hidden ,packed away and usually for a good reason. we all have ways of dealing with things but our memories are a gift from God. I lets us take the time to heal , or process things we couldn’t at that moment . In time these memories can come out of nowhere and surprise you, just like you hid them for a reason they will surface for a reason also. So take the time to frequent them and deal with them. Not dealing with them don’t make them go away , not dealing with them actually leave you open for depression , because you dont know whats wrong , and you can’t figure out why your not moving forward in life when you’re trying so hard

So I encourage ALL OF YOU to take that time for yourself and just sit back a rewind. Pull out a good box of memories ,pour you a drink put on some god music and enjoy the memories , and be SURE that when the emotions come that you have avoided all this time , BE SURE TO SIT STILL AND ENDURE ALL OF IT, those emotions will HEAL and they will go away and become Good if you will stop hiding them! God gave us tears for a reason ! To cleanse us .That’s what makes us HUMAN, and yes he meant for us to JUST BE , Be yourself all of you , don`t add any negative thinking, don’t add opinions of yourself .JUST `BE` !! Enjoy your life because you never ever really know when its your last breath, Please Take Time for yourself and Enjoy all of You !

I mean it , please take time to enjoy your memories, God gave them to us for a reason , Its the good and the bad and the sorrows that make us COMPLETE !

^LOOK UP^

^ LOOK UP ^
There’s more to what you see,
Taking the time to `Notice` makes all the difference!
 
All through my childhood even into adulthood, I have never ever been a morning person. Don’t get me wrong. I love to watch the Sun come up and watch all of God’s beauty begin to dance as the sun rises. The dew on the plants, flowers & grass begin to sparkle and glisten in so many colors and shades. I love the way it smells in the early hours. It’s so fresh and clean! With the dew evaporating into the air, as the temperature rises and as the sun fully exposes itself.
Yes, I love early mornings when everyone is quiet and the animals begin to stir and sing joyously as the sun gets in place as if it’s waiting for the curtain to open while it waits behind stage to show all its beautiful talent and glory. I know God is showing off all his splendor. God just being God!
So too do I love evenings. Actually the later the better. When and if you can see the Moon in the sky on a clear night ,the experience is totally an awe moment. It really gets my mind to stir and wander! How great thou art! Questions upon questions stir in my mind as I gaze into the vast enormous sky. I love to get out on the grass in an open area and lay down and just take it all in. The clearer the night the better. I never know what I’m gonna notice or what I’m actually gonna experience watching the sky at night Or day for that matter.
There is so much to see just outside our doors. We have a creator that has been sharing all his wonderful majesties since creation. Is anyone else seeing what I am seeing ?!, Does anyone even notice what I notice? I love to take the kids out in the yard and actually, I always have them looking up, Instead of around them. I like to get their minds focused on leaving their present situation, away from their boredom or any negative feeling and thoughts, by looking to the skies.
We would sit sometimes for hours. Looking for animals and shapes , and birds and different colors. What ever they saw first, I would run with it. I would become a child like entity at the moment and begin to see what was there all the time. I just didn’t notice and neither did they. I like to think of it as God’s canvass for showing off his art. What colors will we see today? What hidden message? What surprise will he hide for us to find? I can go on for probably hours with what are we looking for.
There’s something about the outdoors that I just can’t actually put into words. Except’ if you look long enough you will begin to see things you had no idea were and are there. You begin to notice the vibrant colors against the dead or looks to be dead branches or trees down. Lying so perfectly amongst the others . Oh ` and did I mention the sounds? God’s own choir ! Unbelievably always in sync ! Always having their own melody that blends in with another’s melody. It’s ,your focus ,on what determines which one gets louder and louder. or you do or don’t hear.
 
These days it’s hard to get anyone to want to go be one with nature. That is at least where I am. Yet ‘I have a couple people in my life that enjoy looking at the sky. I have put so much focus on it when I’m around them, that when I leave , I notice they are still focusing and sending me messages or pictures, trying to capture what their eyes and heart felt. I know I’m probably a lot more into it than most but that’s what I love about me is I feel unique and so I want to share it with anyone that will listen and will take the time in their busy stressed out lives and go out and LOOK UP. There is peace to be found! There is art .
There are never ending ,always changing, majestic clouds. There are stars that flicker and some so small and some so bright ,that if you watch them long enough, it’s as if they are sending Morse codes to whoever is watching and noticing them. Trying to communicate!
SO `CAN I “SUGGEST’ ! THE NEXT TIME YOU’RE BORED OR FEEL STUCK WITH NOWHERE TO GO & NOTHING TO DO OR NO ONE TO DO IT WITH , IF YOUR STRESSED OUT,IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU JUST CANT GET NO PEACE AND YOU NEED TO SHUT DOWN YOUR STINKING THINKING
Grab you a blanket or a chair, and depending on the weather, whatever you might need. Because you may be there for hours ! Just go out and lay down, or sit , and Enjoy the View! There will be times the clouds will be rolling fast and sometimes slower, but when you’re lying there quietly and waiting for and looking for something magical to happen, Give it time! Stay there long enough `til you will see` what you couldn’t see before!
 
BE STILL LONG ENOUGH AND QUIET ENOUGH `TIL YOU NOTICE WHAT YOU HADN’T NOTICED BEFORE !
 
NOTICE THE SOUND, THE COLOR, THE TEMPERATURE, YOUR HEART ,YOUR BREATHING ALL OF YOU AT THAT MOMENT.
IF YOU STAY LONG ENOUGH `
MYSTERIOUS THINGS WILL COME OUT
AND SING & DANCE FOR YOU.
DON’T BE SCARED,
THEY WERE THERE THIS WHOLE TIME ,
YOU JUST DIDN’T NOTICE!
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I knew Long time ago there was something inside me that was so different then others , and have been writing about it basically all my life, A Lot of My friends would say tune in to Tammy haha , no joke I am a One of a kind You ain’t right girl ! I like me. Though there are many things I didn’t like one was my anger I could stop but and jump in a window and ride off quicker than the light would change to green ,, My temper has always gotten me into trouble , because no one taught me how to control it !
It’s true that Hurt people hurt. Most don’t even realise they are hurting others while some do it because they were conditioned to it, and like myself I hated hurting people and still do. I am a protector I wear my armor well. But at the same time I kept others from getting to really know me. The real me The Loving Caring Tammy.
Showing off my armor and standing erect and daring someone to touch me or others around me left me vulnerable to those who got a kick out of doing just that. Hurting others because it made them someone > so they were taught. No one is born a bully or born to hate. Everyone is conditioned over many years and some learn very young. They got a power high from it . They could make others do what they wanted them to do out of fear. I was a victim to that behavior at a very young age. My only way out was to be down right mean as hell ! That meant if you touched me or my friends you took a butt whoopin from me.
I still have that protector spirit . Oh yes I do, but I also am older and wiser and usually can call out whatever hateful spirit that is guiding that person and reach into their heart before it ever comes to gravilling. I know that spirit so well, The undeserving , the misplaced , The hurting , the suicidal, the not belonging , The not knowing any better, sometimes it takes me a bit to talk to someone to find out what exactly are they mad at and if its even worth my time to even talk to them or plant seeds of hope and love in them.

My dream has always been to reach out to the hurting and the lost and give them hope , to help exsenuate their God given gifts and or help them find what it is they are good at , Sometimes this happens immediately and sometimes it takes years for one to accept who they are and what they really want to do with their life. I was blessed though very hard , I was exactly who I wanted to be I was a mother I loved my kids your kids everyone’s kids , I was aunt Tammy to more than I can count , I would be walking through a store or swimming in a pool and a baby would Just reach out for me and grab me by the neck , It’s so amazing , Parents would tell me ,wow He or she has never done that I’m so sorry , but me I’m tickled pink I LOVE IT.

So every time I help someone hurting or lost or just down right needs a hug or to be noticed ,I am living my dream ! I have never desired to be rich and famous though I have been spoiled by the best , and was totally lost because I thought that I had to act or be or do something I wasn’t, I know if God were to lift me again I know now where my place is and has always been! Being alive and able is a dream in itself .4-21-2010 567

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