fIRST OFF DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING ! WHAT i DEPICT IN THIS ARTICLE ARE MY OPINIONS ONLY . NEVER JUDGE ANYONE YOU HAVEN’T WALKED IN THEIR SHOES NOR HEARD THEIR SIDE OF THE STORY !!
Be Calm!! Don’t React to the Negativity of Others ! kindly take Control of yourself , your emotions, your thoughts. Be in control of your thought process . It is all about Choices. Those CHOICES are Yours- not everyone else’s ,Yours , Remember it is All ABOUT YOU! Stay Focussed, Encourage Yourself, Be-Calm, Decide what is allowed to Repeat its self in your Beautiful Mind. kick those hiJackers/ hitch hikers to the Curb. LOVE YOURSELF !
STOP giving space to Ungrateful, Users, and abusers .WALK OUT ,Hang up, don’t answer, Stop Rescuing Others and SAVE YOURSELF. You are giving Them Permission!! Don’t get mad at Others for how they TREAT YOU ! YOU HAVE TO SAY… “ NO MORE !!!” . If you continue to let people say and do to you whatever and keep forgiving them over and over ,you’re only lowering your own self esteem . but creating a monster. You think you’re helping that other person, by constantly giving them Grace and acknowledging their pain `because they want to get better` etc. The TRUTH is you’re not doing anything good for you or them by letting them continue in the same behavior or actions.
YOU BOTH ARE REPEAT OFFENDERS ! You either become defensive and strike out or become submissive and strike in.You start repeating the behavior that you hate is being put upon yourself. And then this anger boils up inside. Sometimes a look, a smell or a time of day, yes even a season , will trigger this old behavior, this old nagging anger, resentment and bitterness .Then you begun to react to everything in your environment. Innocent people, children playing, the dog barking, the horns honking. everything begins to rub you raw. Because You Chose Yes” You” you made these choices and truthfully some of those choices you didn’t know you were making because you were just reacting
REACTING ! Yes, reacting to a way that has become so natural for you it’s what you’ve always seen. it’s what has always How do I know because I did I have come back from so many many challenges . life challenges .depression, suicidal, beatings rapes . All because of bad /poor decisions .I was programmed to believe that I was unworthy that I’d never amount to shit. I was programmed from birth that I was unwanted ! I was treated like I was unwanted all of my childhood years .They were horrifying and no it wasn’t all in my mind . After my daddy died in my arms and 1996 for the first time I got to sit down with my mother and actually ask her questions like why she hated me and she told me her story. My father was a drunk. He beat her daily and she got pregnant with me and she couldn’t leave him because she had three other kids. So I was unwanted from conception and trust me I knew it . I lived it. I was ignored ,I was pushed away when I cried or reached out to be hugged. I was last. I got the old worn out hand me downs . I was beat ,cursed daily .I was left behind when they went to do family things. I WAS UNWANTED !
As Hard as that is to even say, to admit to other people , It’s how I learned to be the Loving and Caring person I am !
Now listen , I know we all have horror stories of pain and abuse. I also know that no one wants to hear about others pain , well frankly I do. Only because I know from experience how hard it is to talk about and get help for it . I also know about all the damn drugs doctors shove at you instead of getting you the proper help ,and sometimes just talking and being given the proper tools and how to`s can change your life. I’m not asking for anyone’s pity. I have pitied myself all my life,and it showed throughout my life . I just could not figure out WHY ME ? Why was I repeating the same mistakes all through my life?
I hated where I came from , I hated I had no family ,I hated no one understood the pain i was carrying . I hated that I made bad choice after bad choice. I hated me ,and no matter how much someone else tried to Love me , My thoughts of love were so distorted .I believed If I just did this better than others or if I changed something or everything about me ,I would be happy. It was all lie. No one ever told me I didn’t love myself ! No One told me that Jesus wasn’t gonna change my attitude and being a christian would just miraculously change my thinking , because it didn’t , It actually made me hate myself worse . I just wasn’t like everyone else.I didn’t understand what or why everyone treated me with such hate , I didn’t understand when I made decisions to not be like everyone else and be a part of the clique` that I was saying stay away. That’s what I felt and truthfully I lived my whole life on feeling. That’s not really a bad thing because I was so aware of others pains and their need for love I was there and I MADE A DIFFERENCE in many lives. I just hated that loneliness that being left out . I didn’t know how to find people like me because I was secretly telling myself “they won’t accept you”. I had no idea I was living in constant fear and rejection though I had an exterior of a warrior a hard shell of “you won’t hurt me ” and that kept people away . I’ve been told by many friends “people Just don’t KNOW know You”. People have no idea my past or what I have survived and it sent me into a constant Deep dark depression of yes ,YOUR NOT WANTED !! And I was treated for severe depression , i have been doped up on meds that made me even worse , I don’t know if what I was feeling was real or if I was doing something wrong ,because people stayed away from me , they hurt me more and more and more by only calling when they needed me . Everyone calls me when they need me .But to tell you the truth no one has ever just called to say Hello , How are you ?, or hey wanna go to dinner . I was an outcast!!!!!!
Well let’s Ponder why? Ill tell you why BECAUSE NO ONE WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT MY PAIN ,NO ONE WANTED TO HEAR HOW BAD I WAS FEELING, AND TRUTHFULLY I DAMN SURE DON’T BLAME THEM !!!! I had no idea that’s how people ,my family, my kids , my husband , all viewed me as a clammering fool. A great big pile of misery. See in MY MIND I WAS, ALWAYS , UPLIFTING ,always cheering all of them on , I helped everyone that asked for it . SO what the hell was i missing ? What was I not seeing or hearing ? Why wouldn’t anyone Just tell me ? Well one day my son did ,grant it he doesn’t talk to me like he did, he never has ,and as for my daughter she just says get over it and walks away. It caused me to Take three bottles of some there was no way i was gonna live this time! AH SHIT I DID! Yep I lived ,I woke up approximately 3 days later. There was vomit everywhere . All my art and coffee table and everything was flipped upside down.I was so sick ,I had just previously heard that my best friend’s husband had sex with me while I was passed out . I was a total wreck . I was suicidal ,And could not ask for help. I tried to reach out , I begged my kids to come visit . I had been recently hospitalized for Pneumonia , I was going through a divorce , I was scared I was all alone. I had that constant reminder of “see I told you were unwanted”, and that what I thought rang true , Daily yearly ,moment after miserable moment. I had no idea how to save myself. I had a pacemaker put in approximately 6 months before maybe a little longer ,I had moved twice and failed.I had lost everything I cherished ,My family my animals ,My husband ,My friends. And I did not know why !
What I do know now , Is that if I continue to even look down my horrible past it brings that pain to the now, I CAN’T ! I WON’T! I REFUSE! . I tear up even to share this pain with you all. It sad to read, Its a pain in my Heart and mind and deep core. Why because I dread to think of it as anyone else going through what I did. I know pain well. I cannot sit and watch someone else go through it because I know what it is like . I don’t dare judge anyone for the pain they have gone through going through even if they bring it on themselves. With that said yo must understand that for me to have lived through what I have ,God has also widen my senses and give me the tools to recognize it in others and to give them a helping hand that they might need. I don’t know how much longer I will be here on this earth but I’m going to Live it to the fullest the best I can. None of us are promised tomorrow ,nor today for that matter ,so it is so very crucial that you take a deep breathe and do what you can with what you have been graced with and let the pains of yesterday go.
There Is no sense in rehashing that pain anymore, LET IT GO ! you will never be good enough for everyone. Just be good enough for yourself! Seek Joy ,seek out love in others let those who repeatedly hurt you go. I know its very ,very ,hard .On me because I only have two children I wanted to spend my last days with them , but I refuse to force them or keep begging to spend time with them. A gentle reminder I love them , a tear or two but then its GONE !! I cant control what they let people put in their minds ,nor what comes out of their mouth , I am a mother First, Always , but I am human also. I am a person with wants needs and desires for myself and the best for my kids. You cannot hold onto what you meant , or what yo should of ,could of done or said , you apologize for your part and Move on.
I have put away all the pictures around my house and photo albums, I post beautiful memories on line to share the Joy I did with others , I hope to lift someone else’s spirits as my kids and grandkids did for me for several years. I dont tread that memory road lightly ,I’m very careful , i know my moods and when I sick and down with pain , I dare not look backwards it only makes things worse because I am not in a happy state of mind , I have to look for peace in my self and find other things i love and cherish and fulfill them . Sometimes that is do NOTHING AT ALL.
SO Forgive yourself daily , stop wishing, yet,Never stop dreaming! Be good to yourself and don’t be quick to give up and never be ashamed to ask for help from at least one person. that one person may have so much love to give and just be waiting for that special someone to give it or share it with.
Remember : opinions are like ass holes ,everyone has one ,GOOD and BAD !
Sorry , I had to say it ! oh and if the spelling and grammar is wrong ,, too bad ,,In my heart I know I have touched someone ,to let them know “They’re not Alone !”