GET OFF THE PIETY TRAIN

I have been nudged in my inner most being . my Soul . My conscience to Paint 1 Painting a month to donate to CHARITY , If it were feasible I would and still may donate all My Paintings to Charity . But DEEP down inside I don’t want to part with them , EACH ONE has very specific meaning to me , a story if you will of what I was absorbing and feeling and learning in that certain time of my life. I also would Love to sell my paintings ,GOD WILLING /Tammy willing lol,, and be able to survive on my own through them … In order to do that I know I must ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT A DOUBT BELIEVE AND SEE, VISUALISE . THIS as being possible. I must be willing to see these things happening , with or with out the fear and judgement of Others……

 

I know with out a doubt that I cannot give all my time and talent away to make others DREAMS come true , and Have TIME to MAKE MY OWN DREAMS A REALITY…….

 

I am SEEING CLEARLY NOW …… What an Amazing thing to see and feel ….To know you are without a doubt Doing…Living ..Being exactly what you want , need and feel and are inspired more and more daily.

 

I am at Peace with myself ,,, and that my friends is absolutely AMAZING IN ITSELF…. and those who know me personally and for years also know How confused and out of sync and feared everyday of my existence for a long stretch of time . because I had no skills I THOUGHT ,I had no Dreams ,,so I thought..I had no Support system , So I thought ,,, I had no Power , so I thought , I had no voice ,So I thought … Do you see where these thoughts took me and held me down ? DO you see in the very words how it took a hold of any Joy ,, I was absolutely Powerless << so I thought , and therefore I brought on everything I experienced myself . My actions were my words ,, my thoughts were on a gerbil wheel and going nowhere…. I’m gonna say it ,thought i appaul the words,, piety.. I ate ,drank ,lived , thought, reacted, emerged into PIETY. i HAD TO GOOGLE THIS WORD FOR YOU AND MYSELF , LOL YES THAT WAS THE RIGHT WORD ,,, SEE

 

pi·e·ty

ˈpīədē/

noun

the quality of being religious or reverent.

“acts of piety and charity”

synonyms: devoutness, devotion, piousness, religion, holiness, godliness, saintliness; More

a belief or point of view that is accepted with unthinking conventional reverence.

plural noun: pieties

“the accepted pieties of our time”

synonyms: devoutness, devotion, piousness, religion, holiness, godliness, saintliness; More

 

 

 

Lets just focus on BEING in the NOW ,, and NOT in WHAT WAS .. NOT IN ASSUMPTION OF WHAT COULD BE IF SO AND SO WOULD JUST LISTEN AND BEND IN MY DIRECTION ,IF ONLY I WERE DIFFERENT , IF ONLY I WAS THIS OR THAT ,,,,

LOL Its so hard for me to even rant in these views they are so destructive…… Im not trying to be cold here but If you are reading this and on the piety party train ,, can I please encourage you .

Give yourself three days on this train ,,,, then get up wash your face and get out , and go wherever it is that you may feel HAPPY ,,, iF you find yourself on this PIETY train again , Repeat,, Get up wash your face and GET OUT ,, go somewhere that you can interact with JOYFUL PEOPLE….. and If you find yourself again on this train of MISERY AND SELF DESTRUCTION ,,,, AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS AVOIDING YOU , AT ALL COST , THEY ARE BUSY , THEY DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR MISERY ANY LONGER,,,,,,

I know that may sound harsh , but in reality ,, DO YOU BLAME THEM?????,,

You have now sunk in the deep dark hole of quicksand and although many love you and throw you lifelines to save you from your own destruction ,

THEY HAVE A LIFE OF THEIR OWN TO LIVE ! IF YOU ARE THAT SELFISH ..TO THINK ..THAT THEY OWE YOU ,ANYTHING, BECAUSE YOU WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO BE THERE FOR THEM WHILE THEY MILKED YOU FOR PIETY FOR SO LONG , THEN ITS TIME YOU GET SELF ISH ENOUGH TO BE SELF ISH AND THINK AND DO WHAT IT IS YOU NEED TO DO TO GET YOUR BUTT OFF THAT MISERY TRAIN ,,,, oh and if you cannot get off that train please contact me so I can PISS YOU OFF SOO BAD , THAT YOU WILL WANT TO PROVE ME WRONG WHEN I TELL YOU ,,, YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT ,,, YES I SAID FULL OF SHIT,, DO I NEED TO GOOGLE THAT WORD FOR YOU ,,,,,

 

No seriously if all you do is REPEAT AND REPEAT AND REPEAT AND REPEAT ,, ALL THAT IS UGLY , all that YOU DONT WANT ,, all that has pissed you off ,, all the HORRIBLE things that has happened to you , If you REP((EAT )) the same thoughts and words and actions and people and places and things ,,, You have EATEN ENOUGH MISERY ,, HAVENT YOU ,,, YOU HAVE LIVED FEELING BAD FOR LONG ENOUGH HAVENT YOU ? SO CHANGE YOUR DIET ,,, CHANGE EVERYTHING , ANYTHING EVERYTHING THAT MAKES YOU THINK OF THE PAST ,,,,

 

It is YOU and ONLY you that is keeping you from JOY and Happiness ,,,, you Have to FACE YOUR FEARS AND DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT , START WITH YOUR WORDS ,,,,,

start seeking out things that feel uncomfortable ,, its like A new pair of shoes you really like and you buy them and you know they are uncomfortable but you just have to have them ,,, so you do whatever it is you can to alter them to start to feel GOOD , then you realise owwww that they still hurt ,, BUT OH HEY THEY LOOK GOOD ,, so you continue to wear them because they make you feel special , some how these shoes have magic in them , because now you believe when you wear them you get noticed ,,, and now they are your favorite pair of shoes , THOUGH they hurt like hell when you wear them , and you refuse to part with them , until one day you complain to your friend that every time you wear( your favorite pair of shoes ), They really really hurt you ,,, and your Friend tells you , OH SO SIMPLY , JUST A SIMPLE COMMENT , so throw them out ,, not thinking that she just hit a NERVE inside you , because you have built up this enormous amount of faith in these shoes that now give you self esteem so you think that being MISERABLE for the sake of Being noticed and feeling powerful you will be MISERABLE because everyone treats you or responds to you in the Magic shoes ,,,, well Your friend has just offered a SIMPLE SOLUTION to YOUR now PAINFUL PROBLEM ,, and little does she know she has just embarked a journey she had no idea she was getting ready to go,,,, because of all the EMOTIONS AND POWER AND THOUGHTS AND ENERGIES THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN THESE PAIR OF SHOES , THE HAVE BECOME YOUR GOD ….

YOU STILL WITH ME ??? YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT ALL THAT POWER AND MAGIC THAT YOU HAVE PUT INTO THEM SHOES ALL COME FROM WITHIN YOU ,, YOU ARE THE POWER ,, YOU ARE THE MAGIC you are your own reality that has become that feeling , that confidence in those things you have around you that make you feel secure ,, NO ,,,ONE …THING … OR THINGS HOLD YOUR DESTINY , nor your FUTURE , if you have them or not ..

YOU ARE EVERYTHING YOU FEAR LOOSING ,,, YOU CANNOT LOOSE WHO YOU ARE ,, YOU JUST REPEAT THE SAME ACTIONS AND USE THE SAME WORDS , AND FEEL THE SAME THINGS WHEN YOU ARE IN , AROUND OR SEE THESE THINGS YOU NOW WORSHIP….. YIKES , DOES THAT STRIKE A LOUD CYBLE OF REALITY ?? I CERTAINLY HOPE SO ..

 

Look around you are you seeing things that you feel you cannot part with ?? You feel you would just die if you loose them ,,, now unless they are things like (my PACEMAKER ) haha yea your not gonna die ,,, you are only SCARED you wont have your meaning for LIfe as YOU KNOW IT ,,, THATS ALL… it is comfortable to have these people ,places and things around you ,, but PLEASE GET THIS ……. all that POWER LOVE JOY COMFORT WAS CREATED BY YOU ,,, THE INNER CORE OF YOURSELF ,,, YOUR THE POWER ,, YOUR THE JOY , YOUR THE COMFORT , YOUR THE PEACE, YOUR THE BEAUTY , YOUR THE CONFIDENCE , YOUR THE THE WISDOM , YOUR HOLDING THE KNOWLEDGE , YOOU ARE THE LOVE , THAT YOU SEE IN THOSE SHOES …..

 

SO PLEASE PLEASE , LET GO OF THE TEACHINGS AND CONTINUAL THOUGHTS OF DESTRUCTION AND FAILURE , OF LIFE WILL NOT BE THE SAME WITH OR WITHOUT PEOPLE PLACES AND THINGS ,,,, YOU WILL CREATE MORE GOOD FEELINGS , PRODUCE MORE GOOD THINGS , ATTRACT MORE GREAT PEOPLE , YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN , IF YOU WILL LET GO OF ALL THE STOPS OF NEGATIVITY AND THE NEGATIVE PIETY OF THINKING AND THE PITIFUL WORDS AND BEGIN TO SAY WHAT IT IS YOU DESIRE TO HEAR FROM OTHERS ,, AND DO FOR YOURSELF WHAT IT IS YOU TRULY DESIRE OTHERS TO DO FOR YOU ,, ONE MOMENT AT A TIME,,,, BEGIN TO DREAM ,,BY THINKING OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS AND SEEKING OUT BEAUTIFUL , LOVING , STRONG INDEPENDENT PEOPLE THAT NEVER GET ON BOARD WITH YOU AND YOUR PIETY TRAIN .

FACE YOUR FEARS BY BEING , JUST BEING ,,, FEEL WHAT IT IS YOU ARE FEARING ,,, FEEL WHAT IT IS YOUR THINKING AND IF IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE STAY WITH IT A WHILE ,,,IT WILL PASS AND YOU WILL GET OVER IT IF YOU DON’T RUN FROM THAT FEELING ,, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU DON’T WANT SO YOU WILL INSPIRE CREATE WHAT YOU DO WANT ,,,

 

Please note that my caps are on here because i want you to see and feel the message i am giving you is so powerful and though yes I guess i could be like everyone else and correct myself or i can be who i am and share with you fully who i am caps and all … I feel that if this message is for you , you will attract it and you will find it or it will find you …( I also am on my laptop and sometimes my vision blurs so I write in caps ) is what it is isn’t it wink wink

 

Look at it for what it is ,, your life is unfolding in such a way , because you forgot how miserable you were and you fear the unknown and therefore seek out answers that no one can give you but yourself…. you have secretly desired or repeating the same thing over and over and over until you spoke it into existence,, haha without your permission it cannot do so,,, yikes ,,,, what the heck did you say ,, I know i pissed you off here , but its true somehow someway you were giving hints to people places and wants desires or fears ,, and they were coming all along like on ants backs ,, so small that you didn’t notice them because you were so dern busy , doing thinking saying , repeating the same things over and over , until you noticed or shall we say your eyes and your conscience EYES were awakened by all the SHIT RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU AROUND YOU SO MUCH SO THAT YOU ARE LIVING IN A SHITTY LIFE , YOUR so full of the shit you were saying , doing , repeating , negative after negative , thoughts and feelings ,, and now all you want to do is say what QUIT ,,, QUIT WHAT ?????

SERIOUSLY !!! what is it you want to quit ???? LIVING?

if you say yes to that , here’s two ways to think about that ,,, you are literally now severely depressed and need assistance in clearing up your visions, clearing a path that is able to walk down safely ,,, or you are down right seeking the same piety you have been feeding yourself for many many years ….. oh my gosh ,, change your diet !!

ok no really , changing your diet might be what you need also , and I can just about bet that if you on the PIETY train ,, your diet sucks too lol,,,

 

TO BE CONTINUED :

 

My mask..

i wear a mask ,  How do I take it off ? So many judge me when I defend myself, because I don’t know how to say I what I need to say ,I cant tell everyone I’m sick because I myself refuse to believe it,Until its ugly head reveals itself again , Like anxiety , like heart failure , life , fight or flight , like asthma , Life brain injury , like severe daily pain and buzzing in my spine and severe pain in my hip , Like the seizures and dizzyness and vertigo ringing in my ears , like the teeth that are deteriating asnd the spine and joints that hurt sometimes so bad zI just dont know what to do with myd=self . I dont want to be sick i want to be like everyone else ,I want to have friends and hang out but i can only do it in little pieces at a time , Im always exsausted always in pain , i wear my mask well by masking it all with medicines,but then I get so excited i forget to take my meds i forget to exercise i forget to eat and drink ,, i have memory problems too,, how do you tell everyone that and keep friends?   you dont ! its just that simple , you cant complain you cant say whats really going on because then your complaining, then your in a pity party , and no one wants to hear it!

alone is how you do it ,, you shut the world out and you do the best you can . one foot in front of the other . you set your house up your meds up just exsactly the way you need it so you can remember all you need to remember  and even then you forget some things ..

what’s so sad is everyone thinks your being a bitch , when you start feeling bad that playtime and visiting needs to end , everyone points out how messed up you are and points out your flawas or they take you wrong and start acting as if you have done someething wrong for defending your health and your balance you need to have just to live a somewhat normal life, It can become so confusing and un balanced that all involved become to feel like shit ,, its not fair its not right , but whats worse is I will either get so angry at myself for not being able to make myself clear , or I pity others over myself , that in turn causes me to mess things up even further ….

i refuse to feel guilty for what someone else feels because I make myself very clear in the beginning , so they themselves are responsible for thier own feelings ,, Everyone is battling something and we all are looking for positivity joy and happiness to be around, what zi dont understand is how others can be so selfish at times that they would attack you when you are doing your very very best . your best at sharing your home and everything in it to make others feel completely at home and be so damn tired you still cant get your message across to others that you need your space , your home  your time  for a little while to save your life your health your mind, no I dont feel sorry for thier feelings getting hurt …

It sucks to be suick , it sucks to be me sometimes but i am so very grateful for my life , my family and friends and roof over my heard and what little food i do eat , Im so very grateful for being able to still read and write and learn ,, it means Im still alive and Living my Life on Purpose ,,,,