Music lifeline from Heaven….

I sure needed this tonight.God knows.My pain he knows my fears.he knows i cant share..or ill be another he lies in a pity party. God knows I refused to be labeled again.to be torn down for something I am not and for being lifted up for that which I do not see nor agree..I just want to be Me.I want to be loved and accepted just like all the rest. I want to be heard for the things I choose to share.God knows my accomplishments mean nothing to anyone but me. Yet he also knows Im the first to be happy and congradulate others for thier success not for attention do I praise but from the heart its so good to hear.It makes Hopes and dreams stay alive and know that dreams can come true. Music touches the heart where no one dares to go .wgere no one wants to talk about and where no one can even know the pain that is carried the lonely cross we bare music is like heaven lufeline to our soul …Copywrite TammyLynnWhitaker 

Dont let pain make all the decissions

Went down hard knees this time .just pure fire..though i did get out of bed and go watch my grandsons ball game my mouth & whistle work great..I gotta say Im so proud of him.. I got to hug my daughters neck finaly I was tickled to watch her chase around her kids babgirl cousin while as usual lil Conner sees me coming just smiles real big and hollers Go To Bubba gma Go to Bubba..meaning go watch his brother play ball he was heading over to the playground with Aunt Dee.

  Though they list the game it was an awesome game for lil league. My grandsonson hit 2 hone runs and caught a couple pop flies but still fumbles on ground balls. 

 I decided to drive to thier house for a few so Cj asked if he coud ride with me. I have to be very careful because we really get into some serious conversations like forts and where a good place to make one. I really enjoy sharing my stories from my youth he gets so tickled. Kids at his age 9 years old while trying so hard to grow up so fast they should be creating thier own ideas after learning from the stories they read.

 Corey and and Conner and now soon to be #3(hopefully a girl) are blessed. Thier daddys mom is a teacher and director of parks and recreation and her sister is also a teacher. And me Im a big kid at heart and I like to call myself an Artist though they love to do art with me and play video games and what ever else I can so that day. Im not as fun because they are told to becareful so many times. Grandmas hurting is what I here . It hurts to hear that though yes the boys are rough but I want to be remembered for more then just she always sick or in pain…

  Reality sucks I come to terms with each new pain. Each new symptom yes i even shut down the workd til I can get a grip on it. Then slowly I return. With a big smile (Grateful i can) and so happy to see all thier faces again. When I offer to help in any way I can they refuse it and call the guy down the street instead. Though he is not related him and his wife dont have grandchildren and are now pretty clise friends to my kuds .They shower the kuds with gifts and are just a block away. So know im not mad actually Im very grateful but you could say Im a little jealous especially when Im passed up like a bad meal and they headed for the dessert. I laugh even saying that because who wouldn’t truthfully.

 So heres to all the Great days and yes to the bad days still to come.Im alive and Im still kicking lifes but with a smile on my face and in my heart holding the tears back from anyone seeing the pain.

  Isnt that another learned cliche’ never let them see you cry!?!..well heres my thoughts on that ..Bull narky! Only dont make it about you when its really about celebrating with those you love. Its ok to be honest and tell them your hurting and fighting something just so they understand . your not jumping up and down and being 100 percent yourself.

 Its the little things that count….Little memories to recount another time layer in life..The Joys and Blessings you purposely make the time for when you could of opted out of.

  Make YES decisions..You will e Thankful you did..

 Dont let PAIN take everything ..only you can decided..Yes you can….

Reliving what you thought you would never again

Please forgive me i didnt edit. Today i dont feel like it..😘😖👼

​I think ive shocked my spine hurts from waste down .been in bed 2 days i guess.i hv to find away to get to store.crackers aint getting it and my lil blender died..asked to borrow my daughters yea thats not happening im sure Corey through it away like he does anythung that gets in his way or means nothing to him..

Im so ready to find a room mate .thw silence is deafning when your hurting and don.t want to be turned down for help..maybe i will try the pool just to force myself out and not be a pitty party baby .but i know it will be full im sure of all the wild crazy disrespectful no law peeps if u know what i mean..STOMACH BURNS FROM ASPRIN AND WATER ..JUST NOT WHERE THE FUCK I WANT TO BE .. OVER DONE IT AND FOR NO REASON WASNT WANTED AT BALL GAME ANYWAYS THIER BEST FRIENDS WERE THER..YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD JUST QUIT..I THINK I DID..BUT YOU KNOW HOW YOUR A SUCKER FOR YOUR KIDS.AND GKIDS..

I HAVE DEFINATELY LEARNED ..NO ONE GIVES ASHIT ABOUT YOU IF YOU AINT GIVING THEM .AND THEY DAMN SURE DONT THINK ABOUT YOU THEY KEEP THIER WORLD FULL OF PEOPLE SO WHEN SOMEONE DISAGREES THEY CAN SAY FUCK THEM…YEA SEEMS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD HAS BECOME THIS WAY..BUT UNFORTUNATELY NOT ME..BUT I KNOW THAT SPLIT IN MY HEART AND MIND WILL EVENTUALLY FINISH TEARING…THE DAY I DONT CARE AND NOT JUST SAYING IT TO RELIEVE THE PAIN .THAT DAY WILL BE A UNKNOWN LONESOME FEELING SO IM GUESSING IT WILL FEEL NO DIFFERENT.. Just got to not Give up.not really..just say it feel it for a while the anger can be freeing..sleep it off if you can ..Pray for Gods intervention!

I KNOW THERES FIGHT IN ME THE FIGHT MOST HAVE NEVER NOR WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE..THE NAME CALLING WELL ITS OLD .IM LIKE COMEUP WITH SOMETHING NEW…BUT IF YOUR TRYING TO BREAK MY SPIRIT WELL THAT WAS BROKE YEARS AGO.I LIVE ON GODS NOT MY OWN SO GOOD LUCK WITH THAT TOO…

 NOTHING REALLY GETS EASIER WITH AGE AND HEALTH AND PAIN WE JUST BECOME CALLOUSED AND NUMBED BY THE CONTINUAL BUT TRUTHFULLY IT ALWAYS KINDA SHOCKS YOU BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THIS GOAL HAS BEEN PASSED .UNTIL SOMEONE SNEAKS IN WITH THE SAME SPEAR THEY USED BEFORE TO TRY TO BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES..BUT WHY..THERE I GO THINKING AGAIN ..WHY IN GODS NAME WOUKD SOMEONE YOU LOVE SO DEARLY WANT TO HURT YOU SO BAD?…I NOW KNOW…BECAUSE THEY THEMSELVES NEED TO FEEL SUPERIOR .TO FEEL THEY ARE NOT YOU.TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES THEY ARE NOT BROKEN OR WEAK .LIKE THE WAY THEY SEE YOU..WHEN TRUTHFULLY THOUGH IN A NEW GENERATION ..THE OLD RERINGS AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN .

RESPECT is not how much money or power you think you have ,it starts with self respect

I GOT THROUGH MY TREADMILL EXERCISE EVEN GOT IN 20 MIN MORE VERY SLOW , i GUESS BECAUSE OF DIFFERENT SHOES OOPS CAPS DERN IT ,, SORRY ,,i also realised wearing ankle socks was cutting off the circulation as my ankles would swell,, good thinking whammy,,,

so I decided to rush out and watch my gson play ball ,, Im very upset the treatment I recieved over and over ,, about left as soon as i got there,

I called my daughter several times to see what time the game was , finally after i got there i got a response , and said I was already there, I was not greeted by coreys family like all the rest of their clan , , I blew it off walked away because as sson as my daughter arrived she seems up set i am there and early at that ,, no this aint in my head , , she walked away her and the baby, I tried to make mall talk always avoiding any conversation with my opinion , because in that crowd Im dismissed as a nobody ,, DOn’t really care i only go to the functions for my grandkids anyways and or to help my daughter any way i can ,,

later I walked over to the other side where the parents of the team were sitting to help cheer on the team ,, ah This I know im good at , and usually the kids get a big kick out of it ,, Yet the only one that completely ignored me was my gson ,, his cousin spoke and was being silly like always , I just blew it off his dad was helping coach .. WHat had got me it was late and the parents in the stand and my self were encouraging the kids its close to the game to be over and you could tell they were tired,, its now after dark the score is pretty much tied back and forth. The next inning was called short all the kids were really ready for it to be over with ,, I’m hollering look alive others are yelling you got this keep eye on the ball etcetera,, I holler because i know i can be heard to out field , look alive guys wakey wakey ,, act like its the beginning and not the end , things like this ,, next thing i know i’m yelled at by my son in law ,, we don’t need no more coaches ,,, hold up i’m a fan not a coach , i’m a parent , and wow was the looks and stares unbearable , a couple of them laughed ,, yes i was shamed ,, all the sudden my youngest grandson grabs me by the leg , awe perfect timing , i walked away with him after a few moments of me introducing him to the couple lil kids there ,, He finally wanted to go play ,, Now here’s the other kicker ,, when the kids friends ie call them their other grandparents that flood them with gifts and affection , i don’t dare because i am told no and what and when to do and where we can go and how far and most things i’ve ever bought were trashed or literally junked ,, and grant it very expensive things i wont get into , I just right it off , but as this couple walks up while the baby and i were playing off he goes to be with them leaving me there at the play area.. but when they are tired he is sent over to me ,, I don’t know about you all , but its the little things that count either good or bad , and the disrespect has been happening all over again ,,, I’ve been blamed for them not having enough tables for bday party because my daughter loaned me one to paint on a long time ago and i personally had no idea , after all they used a door on stand , so i’m very confused there because no one ever said anything ,,, I work my ass off to help and i yes use up all my meds so i can , ad all for what ,, to be told to go home two days ago when i stopped by to hang out and hopefully conversate with my daughter just her and i and of course the baby ,, no instead their friend has my grandson down the road and she in a foul mood ,, i asked if she minded i lay by the pool a few moments , her knowing i cant be in son too long because of this rash i have been having ,,so i peacefully blessed her , and left .

I had taken quite a few of my paint things i assumed she needed for her bathroom make over like my lrg paint basket clamp light and plastic unused ,, but when I asked where it was i don’t fucking know was the answer i got ,,

the disrespect is back again , and over my dead body am i gonna sit there and take it from any of them ,, like my gson dropping his drawers and telling me to kiss his ass,, when i ask his parents to deal with it ,,i’m the bad guy ,,i’m told just leave him the fuck alone ,,, ok ,,so i don’t know about the rest of this word , but with the hate and disrespect running rampant at this age ,,Please God take me as far away as possible ,, before i snap and slap the literal crap out of someone ,

Between others younger then i getting to do say reject my grndsons and are always at their house because their kids are gay and will never have kids ,oh and they are their party buddies well they got mine ,, and i’m second fiddle ..

Ima fight broke out well not fight but argument between teams and the umps and coaches and the lady that runs it , they are ranting and raving as if this game was life or death ,, it made me sick ,, i turned and walked off and turned my head and said out loud ,,,q way to go parents what a great example your teaching these tired and confused kids ,, the other side , the one doing all the main fussing , was like ma’am ma’am its the principles ,,,, guess what i kept shaking my head and said yea another bad example to children ,, and drove home ,, im thinking from now on im will watch from a very far distance with binoculars ,,,

 

my gosh they are only 7 and 8 years old and you wander why they cant control themselves , or fear so much ,,,because parents are becoming bullies again.

Teach a child the way he should go let him make his mistakes but by example he will know when you are not around ….

yea that was back in the day ,,, now its all about me ,, me , me , me , iIll take being shamed by you now but when no one else is around i will correct your behavior ,, after all its about you and i right , and if you bring a gang to the fight you just proved to me you know you were in the wrong ,, and if you turn it on me , another clue is YOU KNOW YOU ARE WRONG , BUT YOUR HEAD IS SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU WONT SEE THE WORLD AROUND YOU NOR YOUR OWN HOME COLLAPSE ,,, OH AND IT WILL ,,, IN TIME IT WILL

ON PURPOSE.. one decision, one moment, one day at a time

when I wake up and my body screams louder then what I need to do, Its takes me literally taking the driver’s seat of my mind. oh yes my body shakes and burns and can barely hold a cup of coffee much less get out of the bed.

Learning to retrain your mind and take control of your mind and emotions is not easy nor should I lie and tell you it is, esp the very painful days. My past wants to sneak in , my past fears of being laid up in bed for days and months like before my pain tries to remind me of past failures.

Every morning there is an internal battle like most we feel one way and our body agrees and our head will tell us NO you have to work , no the baby is hungry . No my flowers need watering , No My book is waiting ect ect.

So as you can see our mind has to take control of the whole body. Even if you don’t feel it , even if you don’t want to ,your emotions will try to trick you into bowing into old ways.

 

I HAVE LEARNED AND HAVE TO CREATE MY REALITY AND RUN WITH IT. I HAVE TO FIND ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT POINTS ME INTO WHAT I REALLY WANT. i HAVE TO FEEL WHAT I FEEL COMPLAIN IF I MUST TO MYSELF AND GET STARTED ON THE GOAL AT HAND .

 

HAVING TO MANY GOALS CAN TRIP YOU UP ALSO, HAVING SO MANY DECISIONS WILL ALSO TRIP YOU UP.

For instance I would love to have my grandkids over to spend the night but in reality My ART and writing areas are very important to me to keep things as simple as possible , The les distractions the easier it is to pick up where I left off when I left them to help others or have gone to the hospital .

Not all distractions are healthy nor are they actually giving you the break you thought you needed. Esp when you have memory problems and or add adhd. Anxiety or any other shall we call them distractions.

 

We trying to change your self we must always put yourself first even if it comes across as selfish , I knwo that word Just literally freaks me out because I never wanted nor have I been selfish nor meant to come across that away. Yet Im sure someone will say other wise , someone that desnt know me at all.

 

So if you are struggling and yes those struggles will come heres a coule things you can ask yourself

1.have i fallen out of being greatful

2. Have I fallen into some sort of fear, worry , anxiety

3.Have I begun to doubt I am able (this one esp if fighting to be healthy and live the best life possible}

 

I could ask many questions but that would sink me right into the whole of self deception . Believing in yourself is and can be hard work .

START SIMPLE BY , HERE ARE MY CUE WORDS ,,, I FILL LIKE CRAP , OH MY I THINK IM COMING DOWN SICK AGAIN IS THIS A FLARE OR BACTERIA ,,, OH SHOULD I SKIP MY EXERCISE TODAY , ECT ECT ,, WHAT ARE ALL THESE THOUGHTS , WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM ?

FIRST ALL YES THEY MAY ALL BE TRUE AND SINCERE CONCERNS BUT IF I LET THEM TAKE OVER I WILL BE RIGHT BACK WHERE I HAVE WORKED SO HARD NOT TO BE …. SO , i

 

I REMEMBER THE THINGS OR SHALL I SAY TOOLS I HAVE LEARNED ,, DRINK FULL GLASS OF WATER ,, GET THE CELLS A DRINK SO THEY CAN MAKE BETTER DECISION , KINDA LIKE STARTING THE ENGINE

THEN I MYSELF LOOK UP TO A VERY LARGE PAINTING I MADE JUST SIMPLY QUOTES THAT GET ME T TAKE THE DRIVERS SEAT OF MY MIND HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HEALTHY WEALTHY GRATEFUL FUN SMILE. BECAUSE SOME DAYS THE NEGATIVE LIKE WEEDS SPROUT UP FROM JUST BEING OR SEEING OR HEARING ALL THE NEGATIVE THINGS AROUND OTHERS ,YOUR FAMILY AND SIMPLY YOU RECOGNIZE THINGS BUT CANT PLACE THEM ,,(WHICH I USE TO TRY FIGURE OUT WHERE FROM , BUT NOW I KNOW I DON’T NEED TO , I NEED TO STAY FOCUSSED ON WHAT I WANT )

i HAVE TO STAY FOCUSSED ON MY GOAL ,, PS NAME 3 GOALS ,, MINE ARE REALLY BOILED DOWN TO ,,HEALTHY , HAPPY , WEALTHY HAVE FUN , ENJOY LIFE AND HELP OTHERS IN THE PROCESS,

i MAY NOT BECOME RICH FROM MY PAINTINGS , I MAY NOT BECOME RICH WITH MY WRITINGS , I MAY NOT GET ANY BETTER ,, BUT ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU JUST MIGHT ,,,,,, WHAT EVER YOU WORK AT , THINK OF AND PUT IN TH TIME YOUR PROBABILITY IS JUST AS MUCH YES AS WHEN YOU TRY TO TALK YOURSELF OUT OF IT WITH ALL THE WHY NOTS…..

 

SO HERE IT IS LET ME JUST BE BLUNT , IT IS YOUR CHOICE TO BELIEVE AND ACT UPON WHAT EVER INCREDIBLE , EXCITING THING YOU WANT BUT ONLY IF YOU EVEN THROUGH THE REALLY BAD DAYS ,,,CHOOSE TO FOCUS ON THE GOOD ,,,,,

 

FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL SAY IMMEDIATELY YES BUT I WILL DO ONE THING TOWARDS MY GOAL,,, BUT I NEED TO REST ,,, OK THEN REST AND WATCH VIDEOS ON THAT SUBJECT MATTER ,,LET IT PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND ,,

I NEED PEACE AND QUIET ,, APPRECIATE WHAT LITTLE TIME YOU DO GET AND ENJOY IT BE THANKFUL FOR IT

IM FACING SOME REALLY REALLY SCARY STUFF AND FEAR AND ANXIETY WANTS SO BADLY TO TAKE OVER MY BODY ,,, I REFUSE TO GO THERE , EVER TIME I TRY I GO INTO SEIZURES ,,, I REFUSE TO RELIVE THAT TRAUMA … SO TRUST ME WHEN I SAY ,, YES LIFE HAPPENS BUT LET IT HAPPEN PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE BATTLE SORT OF SPEAK BY ACCOMPLISHING LITTLE THINGS , THESE LITTLE THINGS ADD UP AND BECOME TOOLS FOR LATER ,,,,,NEVER GIVE UP NOW THAT TOOO EASY AND IT NEVER GIVES YOU THE DESIRED ENDING YOU WANTED,,,,,

 

ONE BATTLE AT A TIME, ONE DAY AT A TIME, FOR SOME ONE MOMENT AT A TIME !

You are worthy….

Taking care of everyone else kept the focus off of me..Everyone was worthy of my time and effort but myself..Growing up serving others to keep a roof over my head and off the streets .i learned early. I was not worthy of self anything..i hid behind helping others not really on purpose but it became me.A servant. Pleasing everyone but me.always settling ..still to this day i hate to be called beautiful…beautiful is what got me raped as a child ..so i became as ugly as i could..a tomboy that could whoop ass and cry bout it later…my shield my fake self esteem ..my made up purpose in life was making others happy..pleasing til i woukd explode only to appologize later and feel so imarressed and ashamed. I trained others to listen to me only when i was mad..to this day people still try to crap on me and make me feel bad..i only feel bad because. theres no one left to do that to me ..but me…  Choosing to be right and stand up for yourself and believe your worthy is hard work..especially remembering it….Old patterns want to emerse like a bad virus…just because you think it doesnt mean its true…You can think it but you have to believe its only a lie you once believed.

Preparing for the next season

The party is over the bathroom is done rested up on mothers day my body hurts from all the challenges but hey the sun is shining its gonna be warm .looks to me like the seasons are changing early again. Hoping to get back to painting now..if my hands will cooperate lol..at my age my body tells me the weather and the seasons. My mind agrees …

All through the years we are doing things in repition to the seasons so emediately our moods reflect what we believe is coming. For instance summer we think its gonna get hot and in some places of the world really Hot..so we react to what we pretty much know from all the years before yep its gonna change so much…We start thinking and preparing for whats ahead. Many might think vacation or beach time but many at our age and health issues we tend to think on whats gonna start acting up..Im trying so hard to recreate memories to block old ones. Like,not focus on whats coming but what I will create this summer…Im focussing on things i would like to get accomplished while everyones out playing in the heat..not this gal i will be inside..

Im taking it one day at a time. Thats how my body rolls haha so thats how I will think..BECAUSE OUR MINDS ARE THE RUDDER TO THE SHIP..WHAT WE THINK WILL BE HOW WE FEEL .HOW WE CONCIENCLY REACT AND SUBCONCIENLY..

Being prepared is a good thing God intended us to know these things like when to plant and when to harvest but we age and wander well i dont have a garden but yes we do. We are the garden. We are to plant in our minds many rows of positive things so when life happens and it will. We are ready we can pick a happy thought a positive thought while everything in and around you hurts knowing you have a luscious garden of healthy words and thoughts to choose from will keep you strong.

 But if you choose to dread whats a head of you you Are planting a garden of fear and negativity and thats the crop you will surely eat from.

CHOOSE YOUR CROP WISELY….