Typing the word disability jyst causes so mych anxiety..I am or always hv been a hard worker. The Tomboy in me just cringes its like im DONE..im too damn young.Ive always prayed God would heal me or get surgey I need to put me back in action 20 damn years wasted.I know thats what destroys my joy that dreaded pain i go to sleep and wake up to. The years I just took thier meds and injections to just be able to work at home and help others.yet no one will hire me cus im a friggen liability. Though Im so unbelievably Grateful for my art..Im not your typical artist. Even that is so controlled by pain .numbness and constantly adjusting to it drains me fast ..sucks the joy right out when youre on a roll and you wake up and cant stand .cant lean forward or pain so bad you just want to Quit. I hv many times.
Oh and just to throw it out there having many other stupid ailments like im not even going to say cus i refuse to focus on them. It is a litteral chore to stay focussed or remember anything.
So in my head everything is random hit or miss accomplishing the little things..Ive tried list Writing things down .goes good til one day i remember i had not looked at the list for sometimes weeks and its right there in my face the whole time..crazy thing is. I’ll try again and again and again. Ihave a trunk full of calanders and paper books and pads that I’ve tried to write down keep track schedule .Then I get bummed because i lost track again. It’s crazy ..So everyday is a new day for me until a routine is so simple I can at least do it naturally …..maybe thats why I talk to much.feel to much..think.to much.cry too much. Forgive so easily forget and remember some things yet cant remember yesterday sometimes…Stress hahahaha ..a no its more complicated then that…hell I cant take valiums they slow my heart down and alter my breathing and cause depression ..so. ive tried lol sometimes forget and try again and again couple years later..or Ill hv such a horrible exsperience from some med and that s how i remember never take it again..You got to remember i was a humin guinea pig or shall i say lab rat for god knows how long… anyways I write and save to know or remember… yea worthless eh….but how in the world do i kniw things that i do is just down right a miracle to me..blows my mind too.. You could say Im here for God to use for his good deeds and Im so so Appreciative ..IM GOOD AT BEING A HELP MATE ..HELPING HAND.. So that being said I can tell you when Im sad And start writing about it I can litterally change my process of thought. It gives me time and focus
To adjust my sails adjust how Im viewing things and begin to challenge and counsel my self the same as i do others ..Self talk can be therapeutic if you give yourself the priority and honest listening that you do others😉🙏🙌👼
Month: February 2018
Love
Love
Thursday, February 15, 2018
12:03 PM
GUNS DONT KILL PEOPLE.PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE..MENTAL HEALTH IN AMERICA IS SHATTERED..HAPPY HEALTHY DO NOT KILL PEOPLE..WE NEED TO REACH PEOPLE WITH CARE NOT MORE VIOLENCE AND FEAR…ITS EASIER AND CHEAPER TO GET A GUN THEN IT IS TO GET MEDICAL & MENTAL HELP….WAKE UP AMERICA …POLITICAL CRAP TAKES PRESIDENCE OVER ACTION IN HELPING SOLVE THE ACTUAL PROBLEM….IM SO SICK OF ALL WE HERE IS WHAT TRUMP AINT DOING AND NEVER WHAT EACH STATE IS ACTUALLY DOING TO GET PEOPLE MENTAL HELP THEY NEED TO HELP THEMSELVES….BE VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU LISTEN TO.. DIVISION YOU CREATED HAS MADE US THE MOST UNSAFE COUNTRY IN THE WORLD….POINT THAT FINGER AT YOURSELF..DONALD TRUMP IS ONE MAN …AND YOU BLAME ONE MAN FOR EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY THE PROBLEM EVERYWHERE…THE GUILTY ARE FREED THE INNOCENT SUFFER BECAUSE NO ONE LOOKS INWARD….HATE THE SIN NOT THE SINNER…PERFECT LOVE SAVES SOULS..YET IN AMERICA WE INSIST ON HATING AND SEPERATION…SEPERATION CREATES ISOLATION..ISOLATION CREATES MORE HATE AND MENTAL PROBLEMS …. SO YOU TRUMP HATERS AND SELFISH TROUBLE MAKERS ARE TRUELY MENTALLY DISTURBED AND ARE THE BIGGEST KILLING VIRUS KNOWN TO MAN AND THIS EARTH….
OPEN ARMS HEAL HURTING HEARTS….OPEN HEARTS CANNOT HOLD HATE…FEAR HOLDS ON FEAR REPEATS AND BREEDS HATE …LOVE LOOKS INWARD AND CLEANS HIS OWN HOUSE .. IS THERE A ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PAIN? SEEK OUT LOVE…SEEK OUT THOSE WHO OPENLY LOVE AND CARE….
I TRUELY BELIEVE OTHER COUNTRIES ARE SUCCEEDING BECAUSE FAMILIES ARE THERE FOR EACH OTHER..HERE WE ARE REJECTING AND ISOLATING OTHERS WHO NEED LOVE ..NOT MORE ISOLATION….
THOSE WORDS LEAVE ME ALONE RING IN MY EARS…TO BE FREE OF THE PAIN THAT ONE FEELS THAT CANNOT FIND RELIEF OF WHAT EVER THEY FEEL THEY HAVE NO ANSWERS TO..INCLUDING BULLYING AND THE BULLIER…BOTH ARE IN NEED OF ANSWERS.. YET BOTH SUFFER SILENTLY…BOTH SIT IN ISOLATION AND BOTH FEEL UNLOVED..BOTH CARRY SHAME AND FEAR MORE REJECTION..BOTH NEED HELP …HATE HAS TAKEN OVER..HATE IN THEMSELVES AND HAS GROWN LIKE MOLD .. THE QUIET ONE FEARS THIER OWN VOICE..THE LOUD ONE FEARS BEING ALONE
BOTH IN NEED OF MENTAL HELP..BOTH IN NEED OF THE LOVE AND ACCEPTPTION…BOTH SEEK OUT OTHERS LIKE THEM FOR STRENGTH IN NUMBERS…BUT BOTH NEVER GET THE HELP THEY REALLY NEED BECAUSE THEY ARE FED THE SAME CRAP THEY SAUGHT TO BE FREED OF..
THATS WHAT HATE BREEDS MORE ISOLATION…
IF GOD INTENDED FOR THIS TO BE HE WOULD NEVER CREATED SO MANY COLORS SO MUCH BEAUTY … AS THE ROSE IS SUROUNDED BY THORNS AND GIVEN TO EACH OTHER IN A SIGN OF LOVE .THE THORN THAT PRICKS YOU AND CAUSES PAIN AND PIERCES THE SKIN IF AGRESSIVELY HELD . THE PEDDLES OF THE ROSE BRUISES EASILY AND FALLS AWAY IF IT IS NOT HANDLED WITH CARE. EACH COMPLIMATES THE OTHER NITHER CAN LIVE WITH OUT WATER. WITH OUT THE LIFE OF WATER BOTH DRY UP AND DIE. TO TRIES SO HARD TO PRESERVE THE DEATH OF THE ROSE LIKE MEMORIES.. FIXATED ON THE MEMORIES WE REFUSE TO SEEK OUT THE NEW OR OTHER BEAUTIFUL ONES GOD ALSO CREATED..
SOME ARE ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS AND SO THEREFORE ENJOYMENT TURNS INTO TO TERROR BECAUSE THE VIOLENT STORMS OF SNEEZING BUT DOES THAT MEAN THE ROSE HAS LOST ITS BEAUTY? DOES THE ONE WHO IS ALLERGIC TO THE FLOWER NOW LIVE IN ISOLATION AND FEAR THIER BEAUTY OF THE BLOOM .DOES ONE BUY A GUN AND WANT TO KILL ALL THE ROSES???? DOES THE ROSE NOT BLOOM BECAUSE IT IS FULL OF THORNS???
WHY IS IT WE OURSELVES. SO VIOLENT TO ONE ANOTHER? OR TRY TO BE RULERS OVER OTHERS? WHY MUST WE NEED THINGS MORE THEN THE LOVE OF ANOTHER? WHY MUST WE HATE THOSE WHO BARE NOT THE SAME AS OURSELVES?
TO SAY YOU CARE YET YOU DARE NOT REACH OUT TO HOLD THE HAND OF SOMEONE WHO IS FALLING . TO SAY YOU LOVE YET YOU STAND THIER AND WATCH SONEONE DIE ….YOU ARE A LIAR…YOU HAVE DECIEVED SO MANY WITH YOUR FAKE CLOTHES OF I CARE….YOU ARE IN NEED OF SELF LOVE YOURSELF YET YOU CLOTH YOUR SELF IN BULLSHIT GLITTER ..AND SELL YOUR GLITTER TO OTHERS LIKE YOU SO THEY TOO WILL BE LIKE YOU…SO YOU HAVE BECOME A SELF MADE GOD SHINING SO BRIGHT CONFUSING OTHERS WITH YOUR FAME AND GLITTER FLAUNTING YOUR FAKE GOLD AND SHINING LIGHTS TO SEEK OUT OTHERS LOOKING FOR LOVE YOU HAVE FOOLED THE WORLD INTO THINKING YOU HAVE IT ALL.
BUT THE TRUTH IS LOVE DOES NOT NEED YOUR SHINY LIGHTS ..LIVE DOES NOT NEED YOUR JEWELS. LOVE DOES NOT NEED ANYTHING BUT THE ARMS OF ANOTHER.. GOD IS LOVE ..HE IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END. YOU WERE BORN TO SHARE YOUR LIVE WITH OTHERS NOT JUDGE WHO IS WORTHY OF IT.. LOVE IS THE ANSWER.
YOU CANT HATE YOURSELF AND LOVE ANOTHER EVENTUALLY YOUR HATE WILL BITE THAT ONE WHO LOVES YOU…FORGIVENESS RIPS AWAY THE BANDAID YOU MEANT TO HOLD IN YOUR LOVE AWAY FROM OTHERS. SO THAT YOU CAN CONTROL WHAT YOU THINK YOU CAN . FORGIVENESS OPENS UP THE CRACK IN YOUR VESSEL SO THAT YOUR STAGNANT WATER OF LIFE CAN BE RELEASED AND THE NEW WATER OF LIFE CAN FREELY FLOW..LOVE IS THE ANSWER .LOVE IS FREE LOVE CANNOT EVER BE TRAPPED NOR BE CONTROLLED..GOD IS LOVE ..LOVE IS THE ANSWER
I HOPE YOU CAN LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO ALWAYS KEEP YOUR ARMS OPEN SO THAT LOVE CAN REACH EVERY PLACE THAT NEEDS MENDING. LOVE ISNT FLASHY NOR NEEDS LIGHTS NOR STONES..LOVE NEEDS ONE ANOTHER . LOVE SEEKS OUT THE PAIN NO MATTER WHERE IT IS HIDDEN LOVE SEES WHAT YOVE HIDDEN AND RIPS AWAY THE ISOLATION AND NEVER JUDGES YOUR FLAWS..LOVE SEES YOU AS PERFECT LOVE SEES WHAT OTHERS DONT LOVE DOES NOT ENVY. LOVE SEES YOUR BARREN SOUL WRAPPED UP IN RAGS AND STINKING LIKE MANUER LOVE IS THE MOST PRECIOUS LOVE IS STRONGER THEN ALL OF THEN STONES . LOVE SEES NO AGE .NOR NUMBERS. LOVE DOESNT CARRY MONEY IT WITHSTANDS ALL ON ITS OWN ..LOVE IS THE MOST VALUABLE CURRENCY KNOW TO MAN BUT LOVE KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR ONLY TO HAVE YOU SAY NO THANKS I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED. THOUGH LIVE NEVER GIVES UP HE HERES YOU IN YOUR SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. LOVE TRYS OVER AND OVER TO REACH YOU IN YOUR CABIN OF FEAR..LOVE IS MORE FAMOUS THEN ANYONE YOU WILL MEET..LOVE MOVES FREELY AND CANNOT BE CONTAINED NOR GAINED. YET IT IS THERE WAITING FOR YOU TO RECIEVE. WRITTEN By TAMMY WHITAKER LIVINGSTON
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