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Please keep me in your prayers The struggle is real,3steps forward 10 sometimes 15 back again. Why did God make me so dern caring yet a bitch. Ying & yang conflicts! I just wish pray for STRENGTH,, I WANT TO APPOLOGIZE ALSO,, I have to do me first, Butt i constantly fail at that! I so need want positive people in my life, ones who actually care and not just words. See I have this problem where I trust & get burned, I care & I get hurt, I am truthful and want to believe others are too, I am a happy person most of the time and will go above and beyond to show I care, Do unto others as you want others to do for & to you, Shit yea I am flawed, who isn’t ? ???? But damit I Cannot & will not sit and let anyone abuse or use me, to waste my time and energy, nor lie time after time, or I will Bite! I hate to be pushed to tears to be pushed to putting you in check, front street & if provoked held down or forced even emotionally yes I will defend myself. Abuse is abuse, NO MEANS NO,,,,I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE OR YOUR STATUS ,FRIEND OR FAMILY I will protect myself any means neccessary. Dont push me into being that person or Im done. I have REACTED FOR YEARS BECAUSE OF ABUSE, I am very patient and kind caring and forgiving,praying always I recieve the same only because if your in my circle in my tribe its because I believe in you,,, you burn me 3 times I am done, It may hurt like hell to forget you ill pray for you but Never will I trust you again. Yeah Ill even forgive you but truth is I still believe your a sick individual that needs serious help so Ill pity you yes feel sorry for you but Hell no I will not help you no more.. Truth be known Ill curse the ground you walk on & trust me coming from me YOU CAN BE VERY VERY SURE YOU BROUGHT IT ON YOURSELF, So when the pity or concern or caring shuts down its because you they whomever is down right HATEFUL AND OR ABUSIVE,,,
I know from my lifes experiences only YOU can make the decision when enough is enough! My Life is a gift Daily and I want to give back daily to be grateful and if all I can give you is a hug or my time my ears my heart for Gods sake say Thankyou , pass on the love pass on the forgiveness pass on that very thing you so appreciate, Share a kind word, a hug, YOU ARE THE GIFT that keeps on Giving STOP GIVING TO THOSE THAT HURT YOU, PISS YOU OFF ON PURPOSE JUST TO GET A RISE OUT OF YOU AND TAKE THE TIME TO SHOW YOU CARE BY GIVING OTHERS EXSACTLY WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED FROM OTHERS, YES EVEN STRANGERS THE GIFT OF CARING AND SHARING WHEN EVER YOU CAN, NO ONE WANTS TO BE AROUND BITTERNESS BUT THOSE THAT ARE BITTER AND BACKSTABBING, JEALOUSY RUNS SO DEEP IN PEOPLE NOW A DAYS,,HATE IS THIER COMPASS,UNGRATEFUL SPOILED ASS USERS AND ABUSERS LOVE SUCKING UP JUST SO THEY CAN STAB YOU IN THE BACK WHEN YOU WALK AWAY, THOSE PEOPLE ARE HIDING BEHIND MASK,, MASK OF SHAME AND BITTERNESS, WAITING LIKE WOLVES TO DEVOUR ANYTHING GOOD IN YOU, BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO GROW UP OR MOVE ON, THEY HATE YOU BECAUSE THEY HATE THEMSELVES, THEY REFUSE TO BE VULNERABLE BECAUSE OF FEAR,, FEAR SO BAD ALL THEY KNOW TO DO IS HURT YOU BEFORE YOU SUPPOSEDLY HURT THEM,, A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IS BEING EXSACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY TRULLY WANT NEED DESIRE.. CONTROL.,,,, THE ONLY WAY I WILL EVER BE CONTROLLED IS ACTUALLY THROUGH LOVE& RESPECT FOR YOURSELF FIRST THEN ME OR OTHERS.
IF YOU CONTINUALLY ABUSE THOSE WHO LOVE YOU CARE FOR YOU YOU CAN BET YOUR SWEET ASS. YOU WILL CHASE YOUR TAIL 24/7.. SHAME WILL WRAP YOU SO TIGHT IN FEAR AND BITTERNESS LIKE A SCRATCH IN AN ALBUM, A MERRY GO ROUND THAT NEVER EVER STOPS ONLY TO SEE YOU TRY TO GET OFF AND LAUGH AT YOU IN THE MIRROR. THE ECHOS OF PAIN AND IS REPEATED SO MUCH IT BECOMES THE RINGING IN YOUR EAR,, WHO THE HELL YOU KIDDING? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL THAT YOU DARE WALK AROUND PISSING IN OTHERS JOY,,, OH YOU AGAIN? TRIGGERED LIKE A ANIMAL THAT HAS BEEN TORTURED DAY IN AND OUT,,, BUT IT IS YOU THAT IS DOING THE TORTURING, PRAYING HOPING MANIPULATING ONLY TO SAY IM SORRY KNOWING DAMN WELL YOU DONT WANT TO CHANGE , YOU WANT SOMETHING TO FORCE YOU TO DO IT… EITHER WAY KNOWING DANG WELL ITS JUST A REPEATED CON ACT TO SOOTHE YOU ENOUGH TO GET BY, KNOWING DARN WELL YOU AINT CHANGING NOTHING , YOUR SPOILED, FEARED NOT REVEARED OR RESPECTED, YOU CANT BULLY YOUR WAY OUT , YOU CANT BUY YOUR WAY OUT,, NOR LOVE YOUR WAY OUT,, YOU BEEN DIGGING THAT HOLE FOR WAY TO MANY YEARS,, ITS GONNA TAKE SWEAT , TEARS, AND SITTING WITH YOURSELF DAY AFTER DAY AFTER YEAR TO MAKE PROGRESS. YOU CAN EITHER START GIGGING YOUR WAY UP THE SIDE OF THAT DEEP WHOLE AND AMAZE YOURSELF EVEN WITH YOUR BLOODY FINGERNAILS, SORE AND POSSIBALLY PUSS OOZING FROM YOUR PALMS SCREAMING FROM DEEP WITHIN YOUR SOUL, THE PAIN SO UNBEARABLE YOU PUKE DAILY, ALL THE WHILE YOU KNOW WITH OUT DIGGING AND CLAWING , YOU WILL DROWN. KNOW THAT JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE ABOUT TO LEVEL UP IT WILL RAIN, IT WILL STORM , YOU WILL HAVE TO RIDE OUT THAT STORM.
DIGGING A WHOLE REPEATING THE SAME PATTERN DAY AFTER DAY YEAR AFTER YEAR THE WHOLE IS SO DEEP YOU CANNOT HEAR NOR BE HEARD TO BE RESCUED. YOU HAVENT LISTENED FOR ANYONE IN SO LONG WHEN YOU HEAR A VOICE AND YOUR SO SURE YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW YOU ARE CONVINCED THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER THAT WILL HEAR YOU, YOUARE IN TOTAL CONVICTION THAT ONLY YOU ARE RIGHT OR ONLY YOUR VOICE CAN OR WILL BE HEARD, THE ECHO OF YOUR OWN VOICE IS NOW ALL YOU KNOW. YOU WILL IETHER SHUT DOWN YOUR OWN GOD GIVEN CONCIENCE BECAUSE YOU ARE CONVINCED YOUR GONNA DIE,FAIL REPEAT AND CONTINUALLY GIVE UP BELIVING THERE IS EVER GONNA BE ANYTHING BUT YOU THE DEEP DARK WHOLE AND THE RAIN. ALWAYS ONLY DIGGING TO GET OUT WHEN YOU REACH A CERTAIN TIME OF DAY, ONLY BECAUSE THAT TOO IS A GROVE YOU HAVE CREATED UNKNOWINGLY THROUGH, FIRST A THOUGHT NEED OR DESIRE,CONSTANT REPITITION,THEN PURE UNCONCIOUSNESS. NOT EVEN THE DAY YOU WERE BORN HAD NOT THINGS BEEN REPEATED OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO TRAING YOU MIND INTO REMEBERING.

GOOD OR BAD WANTED AND UNWANTED REPITIONS CREATE YOUR REALITY , HOW BAD DO YOU REALLY WANT IT? LIFE IS OFFERING UP DAILY CHOICES, IT HAS GIVEN YOU FREEWILL TO LIVE OR DIE. TRUE FREEDOM THAT ONLY YOUHAVE THE KEY TO UNLOCK, FREE TO CHOOSE FREE TO BELIEVE FREE TO FIGHT FREE TO LEARN ,FREE TO CHALLENGE ALL THE THOUGHTS THAT CROSS FROM LEFT TO RIGHT IN YOUR BRAIN…
REPLACING CONTINUAL THOUGHTS WITH A NEW OR REPEATED THOUGHT HAS AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONLY YOUR CHOICE, YOUR BATTLE AND ONLY YOUR STRUGGLE! ITS ALWAYS A THOUGHT, A WISH OR PRAYER THAT ONLY ACTION AND REACTION AND CONTINUAL ACTION OF REPEATING THE DESIRED THOUGHT WILL RECIEVE THE DESIRE. YOU CAN THINK ANYTHING YOU WANT BUT ONLY REPEATING THE THOUGHT PROCESS WILL YOUR DESIRE BE STRONGSTRONG ENOUGH TO PUSH THROUGH ANY AND ALL PAIN AND OBSTACLES (STORMS & UNSCENE TORNADOS, TO RECIEVE ANY AND REALLY ALL DESIRES OF THE HEART MIND AND SOUL…BATTLES ARE SIMPLY GROWING,REFUSING TO FIGHT IS DEATH !
GIVING INTO FEELINGS AND PAIN SOMETIMES ARE NEEDED FOR READJUSTING YOUR FOCUS,READJUSTING AND REINTERATING WHAT IS NEEDED TO GAIN BETTER FOOTAGE. FEELINGS ARE SO MISLEADING. LIKE PAIN IS PHANTOM TO A AMPUTEE. THOUGH YOU REMEMBER WHAT IT FELT LIKE DOESNT MAKE IT REAL. ONLY YOUR MIND AND THE REPEATED THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS OR REACTIONS ACTUALLY BRING IT TO PASS. IF YOU THINK IT IS YOU WILL ACT ACCORDINGLY AND CONTINUE TO REACT BY REPITION.

THOUGHTS CAN BE SO RANDOM AND VERY FAST. SO FAST YOU ACTUALLY DONT REMEBER HAVING THE THOUGHT, YET SPEAKING IT OUT LOUD BEGINS LIKE THE NEEDLE ON THE RCORD PRODUCING SOUND. QUICK AS HEARTBEAT DECISSIONS ARE MADE . REAL OR UNREAL ? FANTASY OR NOT, WE CONTINUELLY ARE SEARCHING FOR FEELING GOOD ,COMFORTABLE, AT EASE. THEREFORE WHEN THE UNWANTED SURFICES WE ARE DRAWN AWAY. FIGHT OR FLIGHT KICKS IN. MAKING CONTINUALL ASSESMENTS FOR RETURNING TO COMFORT ZONE OR CONTINUING TO RUN. ONCE THE MIND FEELS NO PRESSURE SAFETY IS NO LONGER NEEDED, YET CONTINUALL REPITITION CREATES A CONCERN FOR SAFETY, CONTINUAL FOCUS UPON SAFETY CREATES UNCERTAINTY, CONTINUAL UNCERTAINTY CREATES FEAR WHICH CREATES DOUBT.

THE LONGER SOMETHING IS REPEATED IT IS FORMATTING A CLEAR PATH BACK TO THE INFORMATIION. FEELINGS HOWEVER ARE ALSO GAGING RESPONSES FROM WITHIN. IF YOU TELL YOURSELF CONTINUALLY TO FEEL THIS OR THAT ENOUGH TIMES THE PATH IS SO WELL KNOWN FEELINGS ARE GENERATED BY THE REPITION OF . EVER HEARD OF MIND GAMES OR MIND OVER MATTER? IT TAKES TIME AND CONSTANT FOCUS, FOR FEELINGS TO BE OPEN TO NEW SUGGESTINGS REPEATING THE OUTCOME IS DONE UNCONCIOUSLY. YET IF YOU DENY THE OUTCOME OR RATHER SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FEELINGS WILL BE PLEADING FOR YOU TO REJECT THE UNKOWN UNTIL IT BECOMES KNOWN AND REPITION RECORDS THE NEW PATH TO NEW TERRITORY AND FEELINGS ARE COMPASSING YOUR BELIEFS AND THE MEMORIES ARE STORED FOR FURTHER EVALUATION…
SINGING A SONG YOU LOVE OVER AND OVER BRINGS GOOD FEELINGS, YET THE SAME SONG HEARD WHILE GETTING INTO A CAR ACCIDENT MAY NOW BRING SHEAR FEAR TERROR AND PAIN. TO CHANGE THE FEELINGS BACK TO GOOD TAKES COURAGE STAMINA AND REPITION AND CREATING A NEW PATH FOR FEELINGS TO FOLLOW … PRAYING FOR SOMETHING TO CHANGE ONLY BRINGS IT TO PASS THROUGH CONSCIOUSLY FOCUSING & REPEATING IT IS POSSBLE. RATHER YOUR FEELINGS ARE CORROPERATING OR NOT REPEATING THE DESIRED RESULTS YOU ANSWER THE PRAYER THROUGH DOUBTS OR BELIEFS, OVERCOMING YOUR FEELING THAT CREATED THE DOUBTS IN THE BEGINNING BECOMES THE NOW KNOWN TERRITORY AND SEEKING CONTINUALLY THE MIND FOR THE THOUGHTS TO LINE UP,KINDA LIKE SITTING AT A POKER MACHINE PULLING THE LEVER UNTIL THE SYMBLES MATCH UP,, PLAYING MIND GAMES IS JUST SO. BELUEVING IS RECIEVING THROUGH A FAME OF MIND OVER FEELINGS ,,WHICH IS REPEATED MORE THE OLD OR THE NEW, THE FEELINGS OR THE THOUGHT. YOU PLAY LONG ENOUGH YOU WILL WIN. SAME AS IF YOU RUN OUT OF COINS YOU WILL WALK AWAY EMPTY HANDED.YET IF THE COINS ARE CONTINUALLY BEING SUPPLIED AND YOU CONTINUE THE ACTION OF INCERTAING A COIN THE WINNING IS THE ADDICTION BECAUSE OF THE FEELINGS. RECIEVING THE DESIRED FEELINGS YOU CONTINUE TO PLAY,YET IF YOU QUIT, YOU HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE, HOWEVER THE AMOUNT. THE DECISSION TO CONTINUE MAY OR MAY NOT GET THE DESIRED RESULTS UNTIL HOURS POSSIBALLY DAYS. BUT IT WILL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY , TIME RESTRAINTS DIRECT THE ULTIMATE FEELINGS. SAY AN HOUR AGO YOU WERE EXCITED,GIDDY, NOW 3 HRS LATER ,4 SHOTS OF LIQUOR YOUR HUNGRY AND STILL LOOKING FOR THAT SAME FEELING,INSTEAD YOUR DOWN TO YOUR LAST COIN, DO YOU STOP, OR DO YOU PROCESS YOUR FEELINGS AND THEYRE NOT LINING UP WITH YOUR THOUGHTS, WILL YOU WINN? ONLY IF YOU KEEP ON PLAYING.

AS I GIVE MANY EXSAMPLES FOR CLARITY AS THOUGHT PROCESS IS HAPENING AND FEELINGS WILL ARISE, YOUR INTEREST YOUR DESIRE FOCUS AND ACTION WILL DETERMINE YOUR RESULTS,,, YOU ARE HUMAN , A SORT OF MACHINE IF YOU WILL, IT IS FOCUS DESIRE AND DETERMINATION THAT WILL ALWAYS DETERMINE THE OUTCOME .. HOW DEEP IS YOUR WHOLE? HOW MANY YEARS HAS IT BEEN THAT YOU REPEATED THE SAME THOUGHTS ACTIONS AND FEELINGS? DO YOU FEEL LIKE A BROKEN RECORD? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE READY FOR THE TRASH? IS YOUR MIND WANDERING PROFUSLY FOR DIFFERENT ANSWERS? ARE YOUR FEELINGS DIRECTING YOUR THOUGHT OR THOUGHTS DIRECTING YOUR FEELINGS? GET OUT YOUR SHOVEL PREPARE FOR YOUR JOURNEY,,GEAR UP WITH ALL THE TOOLS YOU NEED TO FOCUS ESPECIALLY THROUGH THE STORMS ,THE RIVER OF TEARS WILL RISE YOUR FEELINGS WIL RUN TO AND FRO SEEKING OUT A KNOWN PATH TO BRING CONFORT TO THE UNCOMFORTABLE. THE DARKNESS WILL ARISE THE SUN WILL RISE, CONTINUALLY REPITIONS WILL CREATE NEW PATHES IF ONLY ALL WORK TOGETHER CREATING AND SHIFTING AS THOUGH ON A BED OF ROCKS OR PEBBLES, THE SURFICE ALWAYS ADJUSTING UNDER FOOT THE DESIRED POSITION, THE DESIRED FEELING OF COMFORT SEEKING, BUT IN ORDER TO COMPLETELY DECIEVE AND RECIEVE A NEW OUTCOME,THE DESIRE MUST BE STRONGER,WHILE FOCUSING ON THE UNKWON DESIRES AND RESULTS NEVER BEING IN STONE ABSOLUTE CHANGE IS POSSIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE ITS POSSIBLE, IT IS….MIND OVER MATTER, THINKING UNTIL THE FEELINGS NO LONGER STOP YOU BEFORE YOUR ACTIONS AUTOMATICALLY OUT NUMBER THE RESULTS OF UNWANTED. SUCCESS TAKES A LIFETIME OF TRAINING AND RETRAINING. ALWAYS KNOWING LIFE ISNIT FOR QUITTERS . ONLY READJUSTERS AND WILLING TO SUFFER THE UNKNOWN TERRITORY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BEGINNING OVER & OVER CREATING NEW PATHS TO PODER UNTIL THE DESIRE IS MET CONTINUALLY AND CONCIOUSLY. NOTING UNCONCOIUS BEHAVIOR WHILE THOUGH MAY BE DESIRED FOR A TIME, ALSO A WARNING CHANGE IS NEEDED TO CONTINUE THE DESIRED COURSE TO THE NEW COMFORT LEVEL. NEVER EVER IS THE LEARNING PROCESS OVER . ONLY THE CURRENT DESIRED COURSE IN THE SCHOOL OF LIFE. A CONTINUAL PROCESS AS YOU AGE AND GROW,FOCUS AND DETERMINATION & HONESTLY SEEKING ONES HEART, MIND & SOULS DESIRES, ONLY TO REACH A NEW LEVEL AND DESIRE. AND YOU THOUGHT VIDEO GAMES WERE CHALLENGING! LIFE IS CONTINUALLY GIVING AND RECIEVING. ENJOY THE JOURNEY LIFE GIVES YOU WHAT YOU YOU DESIRE… HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT? YOU CANNOT FAIL , YOU CANNOT QUIT, YOU. ARE ALWAYS CHOOSING THE OUT COME . EITHER THINKING OR FEELING YOUR WAY THROUGH,GOOD OR BAD HAPPY OR SAD REPEATING OR CREATING NEW. ALWAYS YOUR CHOICE RATHER CONCIOUSLY OR NOT… IT IS WHAT YOU SAY IT IS .

WHAT IS IT YOU REALLY WANT.