If I told you the whole story,

Im afraid you would think I want or need your pity..

No Im Learning what I was never taught … How to get through..However when you dont have a reliable support system, and constantly open and trust in being vulnerable again and again and again you just dont feel like doing it again..but you you do and people leave.they die. They just disappear…they hey get busy .life changes constantly..but when you have no idea whats so ever about a memorie you learned early in life how to hide..trust me …its like sweeping dirt under a rug ..eventually. Monds build up under that rug..and you hv been burying .hiding that dirt for sp long ..sure it comes out through the wovenness of that rug..it leaks out the sides .especially when someone steps on it just right..Then someone tries to help you clean it up but you dont let them actually see whats really under that carpet so they feel like you dont trust them maybe .or they think they hv to help you clean up that dirt that keeps seeping ousomeone trips and lands hardand nit only does stain reapear but you ate hurt or broke a leg .and everyone is there asking questions and tending to all that they could and they all leave and your there now hurting alone with that stain and memories of a certain time you swept things uder that rug .yet you think how can that be ..i have vaccummed .i have spept i gave shampooed i have svrubbed .how could that still be there..you begin to remeber all the times you have dealt with this thing and you hv tried everything everyone had offered ..different recipes .different chemicals .different techniques over the years .til you remeber oh thats right i wasnt suppose to walk on it and you remebered somemore hell you went through over that rug .lost family .friends .even moved away a few times…i know ill put another rug over it and it works again for a while .before long the caroet looks new .you can walk on it you can live on it have company over life is pretty grand .until one day you spilled something on it no better yet someone else accidently spills a large say glass of wine .you both jump to clean it up though your anxiety and frustration and anger is so displaced over an accident that you cant are to tell them why ..so again yourve lost your friends and family .everyone thinks your crazy and need meds they say why cant you just get over..again another peace of you dies…
 This goes on over and over all through your whole life.one really tramatic event you tried to sweep under the rug. Because everytime you tried to tell someone you were pushed to the side..your told your liei g .your just a problem child .you are hated by everyone in the family because you didnt know what to do. And it kept happening even as you got older…you were so sensitive about certain things you became a protector and a damn scary individual .you had to be or it woukd happen again …yet something else trajic happens your already hated and parents trying to put you in fosyer are .your on the onstant run trying to prove you an make it on your own but its all a acade you loose your one and only protectir .the one that use to hide you and give you money to eat on and have his friends look out after you as you bounced from house to house..but now you are completely alone with attle scars of an adult and you hvnt even turn 16 yet..d they begin to think ..oh they dont want that carpet cleaned ..so you accept it..until one day you hear the crying or mad .anxious or confused .you want to just rip out the carpet .but instead you shampoo them..everythings fone for a while maybe even years or months or even 24 hrs later stains appear and that person fears whats under that said carpet…so this time you add some tough scrubbing thinking that will remove the stain .and it does for a while until its used again…so now you got an idea ..we just wont enter that room when i you go over there..all is well again…A few years later everything seems to be fine ..and its safe to have people walk across that rug and all the sudden some