Category: Uncategorized

In the Now,wait for tomarrow.

Why do we stress about tomarrow? Everyday is missed because Today is Now. Now holds the vision and dreams of yesterday which holds your secrets from yesterday. Your yesterday day visions are within you now. Today’s moments are yesterdays visions wants needs and desires. We need Today to be in the now while the dreams of the past come full circle. If only we stay in the now can we fully appreciate all of the Yesterdays dreams. To be present here and Now we begin to understand how our wants,needs and desires evolve daily. Enjoying this moment right now we are saying we accept all. The good and bad have been challenged by our thoughts about the Now. Breathe deeply accept what is and watch for things to be grateful for knowing that we create continually more wants needs and desires not yet to be challenged. Dont get stuck in the seeking of future wants Time is precious. Stay in the Now! After all you have been wanting and asking the universe for things daily. Some come quickly some years away only because of disbelief. Stay focussed on what you do want keep that flame burning with in . keep your dreams alive by accepting today’s challenges and let tomarrow create what it may.. Some how some way Enjoy your TODAY.

I Rather be home alone then to be amongst lying.backstabbing hurtful.self righteous.people cus they just spit your love & kindness out and make it thier mission to pull out your negatives and or trigger your doubts by chipping away at your beliefs or bringing u your past to pour salt in your wounds that arent fully closed.

 That crowd will chew you up right there and all along say those words i love you..i care..then litterally walk away and go run you in the ground ..gossip and backbiting is the worlds new chicken shit way of acting like they are strong…i personally feel sorry for these people because i personally know what its like to walk with my head up and be scared stupid….

  None of us are exept from our own demons and voices trying to spit doubt and fear..It is a daily fight to choose and hope you made the right choice and choosing to stay positive in a world that is killing itself and each others each one fighting for thier own beliefs. Sad thing is none of us are right all the time or wrong all the time.

 Decisions are made with out true thought .Opinions are formed from past experiences and fears. 

 Staying focussed on yourself when others seek you out for thier personal gain usually leave you the same way they showed up…

 Staying focussed on yourself is not a pass to be cruel to others.

Doing you does not mean you are untouchable or excused from lifes challenges. It is not a pass to completely shut down the world around you because truth is in order to grow you cannot hide from the world… Truth is Life is always teaching us something…Either we are growing or we are like a mouse on awheel.. Spinning but never growing ..moving but never changing.

 Being Aware of who you are and want to be is the flickering light to keep hope burning..Hopeful that one day by Not giving up yet always willing to fall or be vulerable will keep us grounded in humility and not being drowned in the negativity and hate .  

  Its like some of us are litterally the life jacket that assist some to the shore only to have them stab your life jacket.(bust your bubble) to keep you from achieving your goals or just pure hate and jealousy.. But their ignorance is Im not gonna help another unless I myself am a strong swimmer.

 For the enemy runs rampid in sheeps clothing hoping to bring you down . The enemy is always seeking a way in so they can over throw you…

  Your wear your armor knowing it is to help protect you but it does not guarentee you are invits easy to assume you are shielded with your warrior attire and even warrior spirit…but you will always be HUMAN. And there fore Always flawed…at least until each new lesson is brought up and each is learnt.. 

  BEING AND STAYING HUMBLE 

I BELIEVE IS WHAT KEEPS YOU GROUNDED.

 Each and everyone of us have a form of currency in what we know have experience . Each one. May be a master at something but if you cannot share that skill doubt will start to grow just up out of no were like weeds do. Those weeds can choke out even the strongest.

  Finding your destination so you can shine your currency is very tricky stuff..The competion and mans competetive nature keeps wars funded. For everyone one has something they will die for. Even if its just himself.
 The biggest lesson I have learned thus this far…Is I HAVE to trust and believe in my self and the things I believe in ..so much. I must be willing to die for what I believe . Thats where my strength is… Its not in numbers. Its in FAITH

Wearing an Armor of Love doesnt fully protect you. In My Opinion!

I Rather be home alone then to be amongst lying.backstabbing hurtful.self righteous.people cus they just spit your love and kindness out and mae it thier mission to pull out your negatives. That crowd will chew you up right there and all along say those words i love you..i care..the litterally walk away and go run you in the ground ..gossip and backbiting is the worlds new chicken shit way of acting like they are strong…i personally feel sorry fo these people because i personally know what its like to walk with my head up and be scared stupid….

  None of us are exept from our own demons and voices trying to spit doubt and fear..It is a daily fight to choose and hope you made the right choice and choosing to stay positive in a world that is killing itself and each others each one fighting for thier own beliefs. Sad thing is none of us are right all the time or wrong all the time.

 Decisions are made with out true thought .Opinions are formed from past experiences and fears. 

 Staying focussed on yourself when others seek you out for thier personal gain usually leave you the same way they showed up…

 Staying focussed on yourself is not a pass to be cruel to others.

Doing you does not mean you are untouchable or excused from lifes challenges. It is not a pass to completely shut down the world around you because truth is in order to grow you cannot hide from the world… Truth is Life is always teaching us something…Either we are growing or we are like a mouse on awheel.. Spinnig but never growing ..moving but never changing.

 Being Aware of who you are and want to be is the flickering light to keep hope burning..Hopeful that one day by Not giving up yet always willing to fall or be vulerable wiil keep us grounded in humility and not being drowned in the negativity and hate .  

  Its like some of us are litterally the life jacket that assist some to the shore only to have them stab your life jacket.(bust your bubble) to keep you from achieving your goals or just pure hate and jealousy..

 I myself will stay to myself. Until my tribe catches up with me. For the enemy runs rampid in sheeps clothing hoping to bring you down . The enemy is always seeking away in so they can over throw you…

  Your armor i but it does not guarentee you are protectfore w y

I want to tell YOU my WHOLE  story but Im afraid you would think I want your pity …NOOO ..just understood ..I dont want to get OVER IT..THAT JUST LEAVES IT THERE TO REVISIT AGAIN & AGAIN…

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS !

I HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT SAFELY SO IT CANT HAUNT ME.NOR SNEAK UP ON ME, WHEN EVER A MEMORY OR FEAR OR STRESS OR ANYTHING POSSIBALLY RELATED TO IT , OR FEELS OR SMELLS ,OR RESEMBLES ONE OF MANY MANY TRAUMAS.THAT HAS OCCURRED. FROM AS YOUNG AS I CAN REMEMBER..THAT I LEARNED TO HIDE. FROM LITTERALLY…TO HIDE FROM MENTALLY & SPIRITUALLY ….TO BLOCK IT OUT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED…I LEARNED VERY YOUNG TO NEVER EVER FOCUS ON ME AND WHAT I REALLY NEEDED.KEEP THAT FOCUS OFF OF ME.OR ALL THAT WAS HIDDEN I WOULD HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT AND FEEL IT ALL OVER AGAIN…I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH HAD ACTUALLY HAPPENED EXCEPT A COUPLE MAJOR TRAUMAS THAT THOUGH I DID HAVE FRIENDS TO LEAN ON ..I DONT THINK WE EVER SPOKE ABOUT IT EVER AGAIN…BUT I CARRIED THE FLASHBACKS FOR YEARS LITTERALY EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES….BUT I WASNT TO TALK ABOUT IT..AFTER ALL TEY MOVED ME ACROSS COUNTRY TO GET AWAY FROM IT …..im peacing this toger as. I can remeber it .while my emotions have been bagged again.

But they could never understand .how could they..the day i got shot in the head and lived to tell about it .i had to be in court for my only real brothers death. I was walked in with two my best friends on my side. Everyone was there i remember .my mom.my half sister donna .half brother Tom..I even remeber Donna snide remark ..whats wrong with her…SHE WAS JUST SHOT IN THE HEAD.S.I THINK THEY TOLD HER I WAS STILL IN SHOCK.. THEY COUKD ONLY WAK ME TO THE COURTROOM DOOR ..I REMEMBER EVERYONE ON ONE SIDE ..ON OTHER SIDE I REMEBER SEEING MY DAD IN THE BACK PEW..I SAT DOWN ON THE SIDE HE. WAS ON ..BUT RIGHT UP FRONT….IREMEBER ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AFTERWARDS..FOR HOW LONG I STILL DONT KNOW… 

GETTING THROUGH 

TRY GETTING THROUGH IT~INSTEAD OF OVER IT  

ONLY THEN CAN THE BATTLE BE WON

IT HURTS REGARDLESS ,

 YOU CAN’T THINK YOUR WAY OUT OF SOMETHING YOU FEEL OR DON’T FEEL,  HOW CAN YOU CHANGE  SOMETHING YOU REFUSE TO FACE ?(Feel)

HIDING IT AND HOPING YOU WILL FORGET, LEAVES YOUR WOUNDS OPEN TO REVISIT..

AND YOU WILL AS SOON AS YOU THINK YOU FORGOT.

 YOU LEFT YOUR FEELINGS RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU LEFT OFF. 

MAYBE IT WAS FOR SAFETY AT FIRST, BUT YOUR MEMORY REFUSES TO GIVE IT UP.

YOUR BODY IS PAYING THE TOLL , BLOCKING ALL THOSE FEELINGS.

PUTTING UP THE WALL MENTALLY TELLING EVERYTHING IN YOUR BODY  THAT YOUR MIND HAS ALL THE CONTROL, YET TO CONTINUE TO RUN SMOOTHLY  YOU MUST FEEL WHAT YOUR BODY HAS TOLD YOUR MIND AND SENDS SIGNALS BACK TO YOUR FEELINGS IN ORDER TO KEEP FREEING UP EVER LIVING CELL TO MOVE AND CONTINUE TO DO ITS JOB ,,,BUT IF YOUR HAND HURTS BECAUSE YOUR STANDING ON IT YOUR MIND WILL SEEK TO RELIEVE THIS BACKED UP FLOW BUT IF YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE THE MIND AND NOT MOVE THE HAND YOUR BODY WILL EVENTUALLY GO INTO SHOCK BECAUSE IT CANNOT FUCTION PROPERLY UNTIL IT RESOLVES BOTH THE FEELINGS AND THE BLOCKAGE IT HAS CREATED.

THE MIND WILL EVEN SEEK NEW PATHWAYS TO RELIEVE THE BODY AND IF YOU DO NOT FEEL WHAT’S BEING DAMAGED IT WILL DIE .

YET EVEN AFTER THE LIMB HAS BEEN SEVERED AND THE PAIN WAS NEVER DEALT WITH, YOUR MIND STILL SEEKS TO STOP THE FEELING OF PAIN. IT’S CALLED PHANTOM PAIN. SO THERE YOU HAVE IT YOU HUMAN BEING. NOT DEALING WITH THE PROBLEM BY FEELING WHAT’S MEANT TO BE FELT MAY NEVER EVER GO AWAY. 

  THE BODY KNOWS WHAT IT WANTS AND NEEDS. THE MIND IS DEVELOPED OVER TIME AND FEELINGS IS THE MAGIC WE ARE LETTING THE MIND MANIPULATE. IF YOU SIT WITH YOUR BODY, MIND AND SOUL AND LET EACH COMMUNICATE TO EACH OTHER A CLEAR ANSWER IS GIVEN.

BUT OVER TIME YOU HAVE LEARNED THAT COMFORT WAS BEST FOR FEELING AND PAIN WAS MORE OF A PROTECTOR TO KEEP YOU IN LINE SORT OF SPEAK. BUT WHEN EXPERIENCING TOO MUCH OF ITHER YOU BECOME OUT OF BALANCE.

LEARNING NEW WAYS TO GET IN BALANCE…

LEARNING NEW WAYS TO GET EVERYTHING TO RUN IN BALANCE CAN BE VERY TRICKY ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO LET GO.

LETTING GO SOMETIMES CAN ONLY HAPPEN IF YOU LEARN TO GO BACK TO THE PAINFUL EXPERIENCE AND GIVE IT A PROPPER BURIAL.

FEELING EVERY EMOTION THAT COMES.ANGER MAYBE RESENTMENT SOMETIMES SHAME. IF YOU FEEL THEM AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU MAYBE FEELING AND UNDERSTAND YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSE TO TAKE THOSE FEELINGS WITH YOU THROUGHOUT LIFE BUT YOU WERE TO LEARN FROM AND CHANGE WHAT YOU COULD AND FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS IN ORDER TO MOVE ON TO YOUR NEXT THING COMING YOUR WAY. WHAT YOU WILLFULLY HOLD ON TO BECOMES WHO YOU ARE RATHER YOU WANT TO ADMIT IT. IF YOU CHOOSE TO HANG ON TO ANGER AND RESENTMENT EVERYTIME SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS YOU WILLFULLY ARE CARRYING THINGS FROM YOUR PAST HURTS AND PUTTING THEM IN FRONT OF EVERY WONDERFUL THING THAT COMES YOUR WAY. YOU ARE WILLFULLY CHOOSING NOT TO ENJOY YOUR NOW AND MOSTLIKELY YOU ARE FEELING BAD FEELING DEPRESSED AND DONT KNOW YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU HAVE CARRIED SO MUCH PAIN FOR SO LONG YOU HAVE BECOME NUMB TO YOUR OWN ACTIONS. 

NOW I KNOW THAT REALLY SOUNDS HARSH..TO WILLFULLY BE MISERABLE THOUGH YOU ARE TRYING EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO BE HAPPY AND YOU MIGHT EVEN FEEL HAPPY FOR A COUPLE DAYS UNTIL YOUR LEFT WITH YOU AND YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU BECOME ANGRY FOR NO REASON.OR SAD AND BLAME IT ON MANY PEOPLE OR THINGS.

NOT KNOWING YOU ARE YOUR WORST ENEMY HAS GIVE YOU A SORT OF POWER TO CONTROL YOUR OUTTER EXSISTANCE. YOU HAVE UNKNOWINGLY EXCEPTED EVERYTHING AS IT IS TO BE WHAT IT IS INSTEAD OF CHOOSING YOU HAVE GIVEN UP ON BEING HAPPY AND OR GIVEN UP ON DREAMING. YOU HAVE UNKNOWLY IM SURE DECIDED YOUR LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS AND OR YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT THE HELL YOUR LIVING AND OR BELIEVE YOU DESERVE IT.

IM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IS PURE MADE UP SURVIVAL THOUGHTS. NOW IS THE TIME TO LEARN THE TRUTH AND CHANGE.

CHANGING YOUR THOUGHT PATTERNS AND OR YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THEM IS NO EASY TASK. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT OR FELT THAT WAY. BUT IF YOU ARE WILLING TO FEEL PAIN YOU CAN CHANGE ALL OF IT.

THERE IS NO MAGIC THING IN LIFE THAT WILL GIVE YOU A LONG LASTING HAPPY EVERUTHINGS GONNA BE PERFECT. IT JUST DOESN’T EXSIST. KNOWING THAT AND ACCEPTING THAT IS CRUCIAL. THE SAME AS GETTING TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM PAIN WASNT MEANT TO BE A PERMANENT FIX. IE PILLS AND OR DRINKING ALCOHOL.

WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE FOR YOUR QUICK FIX IS ONLY A TEMPORAY BANDAID UNTIL YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED A ROUTE TO THE PERMANENT FIX.

MAYBE YOU WERE TAUGHT NOT TO MOURN OR COMPLAIN SO YOU STUFF IT ALL DOWN AND STARTED EATING OR SPENDING MONEY TO COPE..SURELY YOU CAN USE EITHER ONE OF THESE TEMPERARY QUICK FIXES AND TURN THEM INTO GREAT THINGS .BUT ONLY IF YOU ACTUALLY FIX WHAT YOUR TRYING TO STUFF DOWN.

MANY MANY MANY TIMES WE DONT WANT TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY AND YOU HAVE TOLD YOURSELF SOMETHING TO HELP YOU SUGAR COAT THE RIGHT TO THAT PIECE OF CAKE OR SECOND HELPING OF FOOD. THE VERY FACT THAT YOU NEED AN EXCUSE IS THE VERY FACT THAT IT IS SOMETHING THAT NEEDS DEALT WITH. YET OVER TIME YOU HAVE KEPT YOURSELF SO BUSY DOIBG AND DOING THAT HOW CAN YOU POSSIBALKY HAVE TIME TO SIT DOWN AND ACTUALLY FEEL WHAT THE HECK YOU NEED TO. NOW WE BOTH KNOW STAYING BUSY AND EATING A PIECE OF CAKE IS NOT GONNA SEND YOU TO HELL BUT IF YOUR DOING IT CONCIENCELY AND ARE VERY AWARE AND NIT JUST DOING IT FOR A END GOAL ITS OK. 

WE FORGET HOW THESE CYCLES OF BAD HABITS EVER GET STARTED AND ACTUALLY IF YOU DID NOT CHOOSE YOUR HABIT ITS NOT YOURS TO BRAG ON. ITS YOUR BANDAID YOU CHOSE TO NEVER TAKE OFF AND ACTUALLY FIX.

HOW CAN I RIP THAT BANDAID OFF AND FIX IT NOW? HOW CAN I POSSIBALLY ADREES THE SCAR?

BY JUST DEALING WITH IT.MAKING THAT TIME FOR YOURSELF IS THE MOST CRUCIAL STEP OF ANY CHANGE OR CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE.

TOO MANY TIMES IF YOU ARE TO SIT QUIETLY AND JUST BE AND JUST LET YOUR THOUGHTS GO YOU WILL TURN ON A TV OR RADIO AND CALL THAT RELAXING. IM HEAR TO TELL YOU YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW OR RADIO SHOW IS NOT GONNA CHANGE YOUR LIFE BUT IT WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISEMENT YOU DONT WANT OR NEED. 

IF YOU WANT CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE THAT TIME TO LUSTEN TO WHAT YOU YOURSELF ARE ADVERTISING.

Follow the yellow brick road ……

Are you Following others straight to the fine line of ‘HELL’  ( what ever ‘hell’ is to you)

Should we stop trying to love those misguided souls..should we all turn our eyes away from crime we see? Seriously if we stop caring what does that say about ourselves? Being nosy is one thing..but stepping up and saying NOT ON MY WATCH…is different….so should we all just let the criminals do what they want..because we fear retaliation? Is there a such thing as I CARE. EVEN WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS LOOKING?

 IF I LISTEN TO THE MANY PEOPLE SAY ..OH THEY HAD IT COMING MENTALITY..THEN I GUESS WHEN SHIT HAPPENS TO YOU .I SHOULD THINK ..OH YOU HAD IT COMING?. 

  THIS WORLD IS SO TWO FACED…AND ITS TIME WE MAKE A DECISSION NOW…YOU EITHER CARE OR YOU DONT …HOT OR COLD….CONFUSING IS THE MASTER THAT PLAGUES THIS WORLD BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG….TRUTHFULLY IF IT WAS NOT IN MY CORE .MY SOUL ..I TOO WOULD THROW IN THE TOWEL AND SAY WHY BOTHER…WHY CARE..OR JUST PLAIN ..SORRY LADIES ….FUCK IT!!!…….

Your comments make total sense. Life is,a teeter totter game. It just isn’t fair either way and its,a balancing act that in my own opinion takes time to practice ,and we don’t always get it right the first,second or several times even. After I personally feel it have exhausted what I can do ,I have to ask my higher power,God to take it over. I tried to do what he wanted ,but was unable to solve everything. Because I’m not perfect , that’s why he suffered and died on that cross & Rose again to help me in those times I need it. Sure I get ticked off at times, and severely depressed ,angry,just darn right frustrated at things that are going on around me. But I personally am figuring out the older and less strength I hv in my body & soul I can’t solve what I use to when I was younger and it ticks me off. At the end of the day,as I lay my head to rest ,I hv to know I did the best for THAT PARTICULAR DAY! Maybe another day I’ll hv more energy to try it again. The sun will always rise & set each day no matter what I can or can’t do.! You have a great day Tammy,I have seen your great weather warnings ,& hv seen it on the news ,your area is really getting hit with some strong weather. Is this,a,normal weather pattern for your area? Today (thur) we are due to get into the upper 60’s.  That’s great for MN.  This weekend 70’s. But next week down to 40’s again.<weather seems to be a major factor in my own day to day life & how I feel >  They say it’s the weather belt from the South Dakota bad lands where the winds make it difficult in areas in MN.  I hv only heard that from weather reporters. Never studied it myself. It does seem in the middle of MN where I live we hv totally different weather patterns then the upper & lower parts of MN.  OK, if I keep texting I’ll hv to hire a texting editor.  Lol hv a great day. 🤗❣💝😉 comments make total sense. Life is,a teeter totter game. It just isn’t fair either way and its,a balancing act that in my own opinion takes time to practice ,and we don’t always get it right the first,second or several times even. After I personally feel it have exhausted what I can do ,I have to ask my higher power,God to take it over. I tried to do what he wanted ,but was unable to solve everything. Because I’m not perfect , that’s why he suffered and died on that cross & Rose again to help me in those times I need it. Sure I get ticked off at times, and severely depressed ,angry,just darn right frustrated at things that are going on around me. But I personally am figuring out the older and less strength I hv in my body & soul I can’t solve what I use to when I was younger and it ticks me off. At the end of the day,as I lay my head to rest ,I hv to know I did the best for THAT PARTICULAR DAY! Maybe another day I’ll hv more energy to try it again. The sun will always rise & set each day no matter what I can or can’t do.! You have a great day Tammy,I have seen your great weather warnings ,& hv seen it on the news ,your area is really getting hit with some strong weather. Is this,a,normal weather pattern for your area? Today (thur) we are due to get into the upper 60’s.  That’s great for MN.  This weekend 70’s. But next week down to 40’s again.<weather seems to be a major factor in my own day to day life & how I feel >  They say it’s the weather belt from the South Dakota bad lands where the winds make it difficult in areas in MN.  I hv only heard that from weather reporters. Never studied it myself. It does seem in the middle of MN where I live we hv totally different weather patterns then the upper & lower parts of MN.  OK, if I keep texting I’ll hv to hire a texting editor.  Lol hv a great day. 🤗❣💝😉

​Thank you for answering Beth Kurz and being down right honest and open .You give me hope that Im not alone..I have been just litterally spun in so many directions..I cant keep up..Im serious..to be honest I am in need of a counselor…between my health .pain.close calls ..and loosing friend after friend..and being more and more secluded.and seriously I do not trust anyone…more now then ever..I HAVE SEEN AND HEARD THINGS THAT ARE MIND BLOWING…AND FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE .NO COLOR .RELIGION.

FAMILY.  FRIENDS .STRANGERS..HATE AND MORE HATE AND MORE LITTERAL I DONT GIVE A FLIP ATTITUDE..YET OUT THE SAME MOUTH SAY OH HEY IM ON YOUR SIDE AND LITTERALLY STAB ME IN THE BACK WITH HATE. ALL SUGAR COATED…I FEELIM EITHER FLIPPING CRAZY OR THE WORLD AROUND ME IS DRIVING ME IN A HOLE THAT ONE DAY I MAY NEVER VENTURE OUT OF……AND YES THE WEATHER HAS BEEN JUST AS CRAZY..DEAR GOD I WANNA TRUST PEOPLE .LOVE PEOPLE .BE OPEN AND HONEST AND VULNERABLE…BUT FIR EVERY ONE PERSON THERE ARE 3 MORE SO DERN BACKSTABBING .LIEING AND THE WORLD OR SIMIALAR FRIENDS EAT THIER BULL SHIT UP..AND SUPPORT THEM ..YET I WATCH AND KNIW FIR A FACT THEY ARE LIVING A DAMN LIE..OR LOOK I HATE JUDGING BUT ITS SO OBVIOUS IT EATS ME ALIVE..AND I DONT WANT TO SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE..ITS NONE OF MY BUISNESS. BUT WHEN YOU HAVE SAY A CHRISTIAN ..A FAMILY MEMBER OR A BEST FRIEND …LIE TO YOU HIW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU DELETE FROM YOUR LIFE TIL YOUR LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT AQUAINTANCES….SHIT IM THINKING IT MUST BE ME ..WHY DO I EVEN CARE…THEN I CAN ANSWER THAT REAL SIMPLE AND QUICK..BUT THEN I LITTERALKY SEE THE MIRACLES IN MY LIFE..THAT CANNIT BE IGNORED ..SO HOW CAN I HATE …I HATE THE ACTIONS BUT NOT THE PERSON..INFORMATION OVERLOAD ALSO…THEY DO IT WITH PRODUCTS AND NEWS AND I INGREDIENTS…YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU EAT OR DRINK SUCH AND SUCH AND EMEDIATELY …OH NOOOO THATS HORRIBLE…..OH YEA…JESUS CHRIST..IM SHOCKED WE ARE ALL NOT DEAD…I MEAN SOMETIMES WE ALL MEAN WELL WHEN TRYING TO HELP SOMEONE..BUT I REALLY AM STARTING TO BELIEVE …..THANK GOD IM ALONE…BECAUSE IF YOU DONT ..PARTY EVERYDAY OR. LITTERALLY TALK SPIRITUAL OR REPEAT THE BIBLES EVERY WORD..OR GOSSIP TO TEAR DOWN SO AND SO..OR COMPARE MONEY OR NO MONEY..WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TALK ABOUT…….WHAT EVERS ON YOUR MIND I GUESS…BUT MOST PEOPLE JUST TALK ABOUT WHAT THIER DOING OR GONNA DO ..BUT NOT HOW THEY REALLY FEEL ..I MEAN REALLY …WHAT IS IT YOU FEEL IS TABOO UNLESS ITS HATE….HATE THIS HATE THAT…I DONT KNIW ABOUT YOU ..BUT I HATE LIVING IN PAIN.I HATE DEALING WITH BOOHOO BABIES THAT START TROUBLE EVERYWHERE THEY GO BY RUNNING THIER MOUTH STARTED TROUBLE .THEN ACT LIKE THEY SO DAMN INNOCENT…I HATE PEOPLE THAT ARE SOOOOO SURE OF THEMSELVES YET ARE DRUG ADDICTS ALCOHOLICS .NARCICIST.OR RICH AND AINT NEVER HAD THUER HANDS DIRTY….I HATE TWO FACE .FAKE ASS PEOPLE WHO SCREWED THIER WAY IN OR TO THE THE TOP…I HATE PEOPLE WHO SWEAR THIER RACIST UP TIL THAT RACE WALKS UP AND THEY BEST BUDS….I HATE NO IT ALL DOCTORS WHO KNIW IT ALL YET COUKDNT DIAGNOSE AN AUTO IMUNE DISORDER BECAUSE THEY KNOW SO DAMN MUCH THEY DONT EVEN READ YOUR FILE….I HATE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALWAYS ALWAYS HAD THIER PATENTS TO FALL BACK ON YET JUDGE OTHERS THAT STRUGGLE ….MY GOD I COULD WRITE AN ENTIRE ENCYCLOPIDIA ON HATE..AS WELL AS LOVE…….BUT MY POINT IS …SO VERY VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE HONEST…THIER SO AFFRAID OF BEING LABELED…..OR DISLIKED OR KUCKED OUT OF THE CLUB OR LITTERALLY .STALKED .

BULLIED ECT…..SO I SAY FUCK IT ALL…..THE ONE THIBG I CAN TRULY SAY IS .IM HONEST…IF YOU PISS ME OFF ..TRUST ME YOU WILL KNOW..BUT IF YOUR TRYING TO PISS ME OFF AND YOU MEANT TO YOU ATE JUST TRYING TO HURT ME…YOUR JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME ON YOUR LEVEL OF FEELINGS ..SO THEN ILL DANCE WITH YOU…I WILL SHOW YOU EXSACTLY HOW IT FEELS .BECAUSE THAT KIND OF PERSON IS PROFESSIONAL AT BLOCKING OUT THINGS UNTIL THEY ARE ALONE….THEN MOST THAT I HAVE MET .THAT ARE SOO GOOD AT BEING PROFESSIONAL LIARS AND NEVER E PISING THEMSELVES TO THE TRUTH OF HOW THEY FEEL ….WELLL. THATS WHERE ADDICTIONS LIE….AND INSTEAD OF GETTING HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS YOU BEGAN TO ACTUALLY FEEL ..AND OH NO …THAT WOULD RUIN THE FACADE… OH NO YOUR WEAK…OH NO..YOU ATENT PETFECT U DONT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS…OH SHIT YOU ARE AFRAID EVERYONES GONNA LEAVE YOU ……GUESS WHAT ….THEY DO…..YES THEY DO…BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO HIDE OR SHALL I SAY STUFF ANOTHER SKELETON IN THIER CLOSET……..

 SO YEA….I CAN HONESTLY SAY I NEED A GOOD COUNSELOR.. AND YEA IF THEY ACTUALLY HEAR WHY ….LOL LIKE MY LAST ONE SAID TO ME…DEAR GOD TAMMY YOU NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL AND TAKE MY JOB….

 SO WHATS THE POINT IF ALL THIS REALLY …..

  THE POINT IS BY GOD WE ARE ALL HUMANS AND WE ARE NIT PUZZLE PEICES NEEDING TO BE PERFECTLY FITTED….WE NEED TO SELF EXAMINE OURSELVES…..EVEN IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING …..THATS NORMAL……WHATS NOT NORMAL IS WANTING TO BE ACCEPTED SOOOOO DAMN BAD BY THOSE YOU LOVE OR ADMIRE SOOOO MUCH …BECAUSE YOU THINK THEY HAVE IT BETTER THEN YOU……..WAKE THE FLIP UP……THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LEVEL OF PROBLEMS .HURTS .DISAPOINTMENTS…THAT FRANKLY ..I BELIEVE IF TBEY TOLD YOU THE DOWNSIDE OF THIER RIGHTEOUSNESS….YOUD THANK GOD FOR THE ONES OF YOUR OWN…..
I DONT UNDERSTAND NOR PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING..BUT I AM CURIOUS..I LOVE TO SEE THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN….BUT IT DOESNT MEAN I WANT TO BE ANYBODY ELSE …BUT …ME…..ALL MY FLAWS SO CALLED FLAWS..SERIOUS FLAWS…AT THE END OF THE DAY..DEAR GOD ..THANKYOU …REALLY REALLY THANKYOU…FOR MY LIFE AND FOR LETTING ME EXPERIENCE SO MUCH ..FOR GIVING ME A BRAIN TO THINK WITH..AND FOR THE LINK OF TIME HERE ON EARTH…AND FORGIVE ME LORD FOR NOT BEING OR FEELING WORTHY…AND FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING A CLASS ACT TO FOLLOW. NOR BEING OR FEELING GRATEFUL EVERYDAY…BECAUSE I WASN’T..BUT IM SO THANKFUL I CAN SAY THAT AND FEEL THAT AND KNOW THAT …ITS OK 

If I told you the whole story,

Im afraid you would think I want or need your pity..

No Im Learning what I was never taught … How to get through..However when you dont have a reliable support system, and constantly open and trust in being vulnerable again and again and again you just dont feel like doing it again..but you you do and people leave.they die. They just disappear…they hey get busy .life changes constantly..but when you have no idea whats so ever about a memorie you learned early in life how to hide..trust me …its like sweeping dirt under a rug ..eventually. Monds build up under that rug..and you hv been burying .hiding that dirt for sp long ..sure it comes out through the wovenness of that rug..it leaks out the sides .especially when someone steps on it just right..Then someone tries to help you clean it up but you dont let them actually see whats really under that carpet so they feel like you dont trust them maybe .or they think they hv to help you clean up that dirt that keeps seeping ousomeone trips and lands hardand nit only does stain reapear but you ate hurt or broke a leg .and everyone is there asking questions and tending to all that they could and they all leave and your there now hurting alone with that stain and memories of a certain time you swept things uder that rug .yet you think how can that be ..i have vaccummed .i have spept i gave shampooed i have svrubbed .how could that still be there..you begin to remeber all the times you have dealt with this thing and you hv tried everything everyone had offered ..different recipes .different chemicals .different techniques over the years .til you remeber oh thats right i wasnt suppose to walk on it and you remebered somemore hell you went through over that rug .lost family .friends .even moved away a few times…i know ill put another rug over it and it works again for a while .before long the caroet looks new .you can walk on it you can live on it have company over life is pretty grand .until one day you spilled something on it no better yet someone else accidently spills a large say glass of wine .you both jump to clean it up though your anxiety and frustration and anger is so displaced over an accident that you cant are to tell them why ..so again yourve lost your friends and family .everyone thinks your crazy and need meds they say why cant you just get over..again another peace of you dies…
 This goes on over and over all through your whole life.one really tramatic event you tried to sweep under the rug. Because everytime you tried to tell someone you were pushed to the side..your told your liei g .your just a problem child .you are hated by everyone in the family because you didnt know what to do. And it kept happening even as you got older…you were so sensitive about certain things you became a protector and a damn scary individual .you had to be or it woukd happen again …yet something else trajic happens your already hated and parents trying to put you in fosyer are .your on the onstant run trying to prove you an make it on your own but its all a acade you loose your one and only protectir .the one that use to hide you and give you money to eat on and have his friends look out after you as you bounced from house to house..but now you are completely alone with attle scars of an adult and you hvnt even turn 16 yet..d they begin to think ..oh they dont want that carpet cleaned ..so you accept it..until one day you hear the crying or mad .anxious or confused .you want to just rip out the carpet .but instead you shampoo them..everythings fone for a while maybe even years or months or even 24 hrs later stains appear and that person fears whats under that said carpet…so this time you add some tough scrubbing thinking that will remove the stain .and it does for a while until its used again…so now you got an idea ..we just wont enter that room when i you go over there..all is well again…A few years later everything seems to be fine ..and its safe to have people walk across that rug and all the sudden some

The Truth

Once upon a time I was judged so harshly though the truth about my illness was hidden. Now I have put the past behind me and refuse to let it haunt me time after time. Ptsd alone in itself had me suicidal and only my kids knew. The pain I suffer in was not only physical but mental. The pain and meds for the pain kept me from death many times over. I share with others only to let others know they are not alone in thier own battles rather mental or physical.
The judgement I felt so strongly was not from others but the battle was clearly the words spoken so freely was in my mind and not by others. It was thoughts I drew closely to because I felt I was useless which then I became a was kisser The perfectionist know all do all. It had a death grip on my Thoughts & Feelings. Today I still have battles to face but I can tell you this both my counselor and hospital and shrink said You need to write a book.Life has not been fair to you. Yes I still suffer ptsd and live in chronic pain but I have tools to help deal with. Yes I still have thoughts try to pull me into depression saying I’m not worthy or no one likes you but I tell my self LITTERALLY..SHUT UP..and then begin to speak out loud “Happy happy Joy Joy”.
It works! Slowly And sometimes instantly. I’ve even taught my gkids this chant and we start naming things we are GRATEFUL for. I’m truly Thankful for all the friends and cheerleaders in my life and I can attest to speaking positive and not repeating the negative unless I’m trying resolve something within myself.
The Royal Society lead me to getting the help I needed and Bryant & Jenny Mcgill are truly guardian Angels here on earth sharing and carrying the message of Love and Hope even for those who see none. Thankyou is not enough I too want to share my past victories and help others achieve thier hopes and dreams,to look for thier rainbows in the storm to be grateful for what is in the present. God willing I will write that book. One thing at a time one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time..I am worthy I am Blessed!

Sharing My True inspiration

You know I have shared with you my family of Love and Inspiration many times, I have to tell you while fighting so many things in my life right now, for instance ive been laid up all day insisting if I just rest I can get the feeling back in my leg, I not only fight with finances fears of anxiety ptsd My health. I continue to take inventory of my delimas of tragedy of my self and this around me.is roomate family & friends. I also take Pride in saying I would not of made it this far without Bryant & Jenny #McGill and there fantastic wisdom of SELF acceptance & SELF LOVE.
I can honestly say that I believe they are my lol guardian angels to remind myself I am WORTHY of SELF LOVE..
When fighting your daily battles within your mind a consistent self tally Is being created. Though you may not be aware of it yet it is there collecting data of what you don’t want and what you do. For instance my pain keeps my mind so busy at times of what worked in relieving said pain or pressure before and what I’m not willing to go through again or what I’m now willing to try. Now saying this I realise many of you are in excellent health or wealth and yet you too are contemplating what is it that I really want or don’t want.
We are the same though we battle on different levels of #SELF AWARENESS!
Creating things in our lives things we want and bringing in things we don’t. I myself am constantly creating ways to battle pain and sickness yet struggling with my self awareness because it is battling with what I’m trying to ignore..YIKES..REALITY CHECK HERE! Therefore bringing in everything I don’t want has been really me accepting less then or now creating and bringing in an overwhelming amount of failure messages storing up data daily of the words I have spoken.
Too many times I have crossed this same bridge in life though in a different state year time in my life. Falling into the same traps and wandering ‘ How In Gods Name Do I Get Here! You Too?
I can tell you it is PURE #FOCUS on #Myself at least until I am able to be totally honest with myself in all areas of my life.not just worries. Fear and insecurity. I cannot change what I’m not willing to #accept.
We all say we have overcome battles that have returned over and over. Yet we never think of them as victories. No our self data we have collected over the years have told us they failures because we are at battle again. Over and over we continue to believe the self talk. Our own personal data is what destroys our #Dreams. Our wishes our Focus is Altered by OUR INNER VOICE.
I cannot tell you how many times my ptsd has been completely #SELF #SABATOGE.
BOY OH BOY..IM EATING CROW HERE!
MS TAMMY ?!? Queen of Thinking positive. Say something positive! Find the good in Everything..Yikes…haha self delusion.? No #self wisdom!!!
We are our worst nightmare! We create our lives from everything we take in. Not only what we eat but what we see who and what we look at daily. The self loathing when things dont work out the way we expected.
But..I know first hand how fast you can be left in totally darkness where nothing comes to mind in how to get out. Fear is my silent killer..YES I JUST SAID THAT!
FEAR .FEAR.FEAR.😱 UGGG
How many times does fear direct you away from your goals? Fear collects data for good reasons like dont touch the fire the fear of being burned will quickly remind you in a situation where needed to bring you to #Safety. Ahhh. I like that word.
Safety is I think the core or fear..hmmm What do you think?
Listen up..Im not here to judge anyone In here to share and implement and challenge you to Think. I myself have been battling just that. Thinking are you with me here is awesome its a God given gift as is Fear. But……for what? Life is throwing so much at you that you are running through life living others dreams. Yet in extremes we all FEAR the consequences and therefore try to create a barrier so that we are protected from being hurt…Now you know this is hitting home as I write.
Too many times our wires get crossed and because in in constant motion and usually that motion is to create comfort and constantly shielding our selves from being hurt and collecting battle scars we talk about and share eagerly as trophies yet we litterally have piled on those trophies you know the scars that almost killed you! Oh and are still trying to kill you and ALL YOUR DREAMS. WELL LISTEN UP WAMMY haha yes this is for me…..they are also #VICTORIES..GOSH if it werent for Bryant and Jenny and their sharing #simplereminders & BeRoyal @ Royal society, I would never be truly inspired.

OUCH! oh c’mon, sure my Christian background has inspired me my love for Jesus. But that too has caused so much anxiety for me I cannot tell you how many times I have litterally BEAT MY SELF DOWN because I feel (self judgement data) or think(overly thinking I’m never gonna please Christ) brought on by severe judgement of leaders in high places, I refuse to call church. Anyways just these people alone have been my go to for prayers encouragement and self awareness by just sharing what they Love.
So many times when I did not see not one person in say several months no phone calls from anyone to check on me no family visits unless I made the effort to go to see or reach out to. I felt I was and still feel at times in a prison of pain that is the director of my life. Oh blah blah blah.. Seriously I can say my mind is always always inspired and gifted wisdom and magical treats😜 that present logic and little live bites in the ARSE occasionally to help get me off my self disruption or collusion or pity party.
It Boils down to this… They are not gods nor do I worship them. THEY ARE TRULY DOWN TO EARTH HONEST PEOPLE THAT STRUGGLE LIKE YOU AND I … THEY HAVE WANTS NEEDS DESIRES FEARS HOPES AND DILLUSIONS LIKE ALL OF US, BUT THIER TRANSPARENCY CEACKS ME UP CUS. WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT OUR WHOLE LIVES DELLUSIONAL BULL CRAP.. OOPS SORRY FOCUS TAMMY FOCUS… ANYWAYS COME JOIN ME ABD SOME OF I BELIEVE GODS ANGELS IN THE ROYAL SOCIETY..I PROMISE YES PROMISE YOU WILL FIND THE LIVE YOU HAVE SO DESIRED AND GUIDANCE TO YOUR OWN PERSONAL COACH INSPRIRATION OR SHOULD I SAY DOSE OF REALITY. CUS LISTEN UP FOLKS. THE WORLD IS NOT WHAT YOU SEE…ITS WHAT YOU DONT SEE! DONT LET FEAR BE YOUR ONLY COMPASS!
I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO RESPOND TO EVERYONE BUT I SURE DO. SEE YOU AND APPRECIATE YOUR TIME YOUR LOVE YOUR STORIES AND YIUR INSPIRATION AND OH YES YES THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS….GIVE THESE PEOPLE A CHANCE YOU DONT HAVE TO AGREE BUT IN TIME YOU WILL SEE ALL THEY ARE DOING IN LOVING OTHERS THE BEST WAY THEY [THEY] CAN..
GOD BLESS ALL OF US…SHARE THE LOVE THATS OUR WEAPON AGAINST HATE😘💘😇 MS TAMMY W LIVINGSTON