Why do we stress about tomarrow? Everyday is missed because Today is Now. Now holds the vision and dreams of yesterday which holds your secrets from yesterday. Your yesterday day visions are within you now. Today’s moments are yesterdays visions wants needs and desires. We need Today to be in the now while the dreams of the past come full circle. If only we stay in the now can we fully appreciate all of the Yesterdays dreams. To be present here and Now we begin to understand how our wants,needs and desires evolve daily. Enjoying this moment right now we are saying we accept all. The good and bad have been challenged by our thoughts about the Now. Breathe deeply accept what is and watch for things to be grateful for knowing that we create continually more wants needs and desires not yet to be challenged. Dont get stuck in the seeking of future wants Time is precious. Stay in the Now! After all you have been wanting and asking the universe for things daily. Some come quickly some years away only because of disbelief. Stay focussed on what you do want keep that flame burning with in . keep your dreams alive by accepting today’s challenges and let tomarrow create what it may.. Some how some way Enjoy your TODAY.

I Rather be home alone then to be amongst lying.backstabbing hurtful.self righteous.people cus they just spit your love & kindness out and make it thier mission to pull out your negatives and or trigger your doubts by chipping away at your beliefs or bringing u your past to pour salt in your wounds that arent fully closed.

 That crowd will chew you up right there and all along say those words i love you..i care..then litterally walk away and go run you in the ground ..gossip and backbiting is the worlds new chicken shit way of acting like they are strong…i personally feel sorry for these people because i personally know what its like to walk with my head up and be scared stupid….

  None of us are exept from our own demons and voices trying to spit doubt and fear..It is a daily fight to choose and hope you made the right choice and choosing to stay positive in a world that is killing itself and each others each one fighting for thier own beliefs. Sad thing is none of us are right all the time or wrong all the time.

 Decisions are made with out true thought .Opinions are formed from past experiences and fears. 

 Staying focussed on yourself when others seek you out for thier personal gain usually leave you the same way they showed up…

 Staying focussed on yourself is not a pass to be cruel to others.

Doing you does not mean you are untouchable or excused from lifes challenges. It is not a pass to completely shut down the world around you because truth is in order to grow you cannot hide from the world… Truth is Life is always teaching us something…Either we are growing or we are like a mouse on awheel.. Spinning but never growing ..moving but never changing.

 Being Aware of who you are and want to be is the flickering light to keep hope burning..Hopeful that one day by Not giving up yet always willing to fall or be vulerable will keep us grounded in humility and not being drowned in the negativity and hate .  

  Its like some of us are litterally the life jacket that assist some to the shore only to have them stab your life jacket.(bust your bubble) to keep you from achieving your goals or just pure hate and jealousy.. But their ignorance is Im not gonna help another unless I myself am a strong swimmer.

 For the enemy runs rampid in sheeps clothing hoping to bring you down . The enemy is always seeking a way in so they can over throw you…

  Your wear your armor knowing it is to help protect you but it does not guarentee you are invits easy to assume you are shielded with your warrior attire and even warrior spirit…but you will always be HUMAN. And there fore Always flawed…at least until each new lesson is brought up and each is learnt.. 

  BEING AND STAYING HUMBLE 

I BELIEVE IS WHAT KEEPS YOU GROUNDED.

 Each and everyone of us have a form of currency in what we know have experience . Each one. May be a master at something but if you cannot share that skill doubt will start to grow just up out of no were like weeds do. Those weeds can choke out even the strongest.

  Finding your destination so you can shine your currency is very tricky stuff..The competion and mans competetive nature keeps wars funded. For everyone one has something they will die for. Even if its just himself.
 The biggest lesson I have learned thus this far…Is I HAVE to trust and believe in my self and the things I believe in ..so much. I must be willing to die for what I believe . Thats where my strength is… Its not in numbers. Its in FAITH

Wearing an Armor of Love doesnt fully protect you. 

I Rather be home alone then to be amongst lying.backstabbing hurtful.self righteous.people cus they just spit your love and kindness out and mae it thier mission to pull out your negatives. That crowd will chew you up right there and all along say those words i love you..i care..the litterally walk away and go run you in the ground ..gossip and backbiting is the worlds new chicken shit way of acting like they are strong…i personally feel sorry fo these people because i personally know what its like to walk with my head up and be scared stupid….

  None of us are exept from our own demons and voices trying to spit doubt and fear..It is a daily fight to choose and hope you made the right choice and choosing to stay positive in a world that is killing itself and each others each one fighting for thier own beliefs. Sad thing is none of us are right all the time or wrong all the time.

 Decisions are made with out true thought .Opinions are formed from past experiences and fears. 

 Staying focussed on yourself when others seek you out for thier personal gain usually leave you the same way they showed up…

 Staying focussed on yourself is not a pass to be cruel to others.

Doing you does not mean you are untouchable or excused from lifes challenges. It is not a pass to completely shut down the world around you because truth is in order to grow you cannot hide from the world… Truth is Life is always teaching us something…Either we are growing or we are like a mouse on awheel.. Spinnig but never growing ..moving but never changing.

 Being Aware of who you are and want to be is the flickering light to keep hope burning..Hopeful that one day by Not giving up yet always willing to fall or be vulerable wiil keep us grounded in humility and not being drowned in the negativity and hate .  

  Its like some of us are litterally the life jacket that assist some to the shore only to have them stab your life jacket.(bust your bubble) to keep you from achieving your goals or just pure hate and jealousy..

 I myself will stay to myself. Until my tribe catches up with me. For the enemy runs rampid in sheeps clothing hoping to bring you down . The enemy is always seeking away in so they can over throw you…

  Your armor i but it does not guarentee you are protectfore w y

GETTING THROUGH 

TRY GETTING THROUGH IT~INSTEAD OF OVER IT  

ONLY THEN CAN THE BATTLE BE WON

IT HURTS REGARDLESS ,

 YOU CAN’T THINK YOUR WAY OUT OF SOMETHING YOU FEEL OR DON’T FEEL,  HOW CAN YOU CHANGE  SOMETHING YOU REFUSE TO FACE ?(Feel)

HIDING IT AND HOPING YOU WILL FORGET, LEAVES YOUR WOUNDS OPEN TO REVISIT..

AND YOU WILL AS SOON AS YOU THINK YOU FORGOT.

 YOU LEFT YOUR FEELINGS RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU LEFT OFF. 

MAYBE IT WAS FOR SAFETY AT FIRST, BUT YOUR MEMORY REFUSES TO GIVE IT UP.

YOUR BODY IS PAYING THE TOLL , BLOCKING ALL THOSE FEELINGS.

PUTTING UP THE WALL MENTALLY TELLING EVERYTHING IN YOUR BODY  THAT YOUR MIND HAS ALL THE CONTROL, YET TO CONTINUE TO RUN SMOOTHLY  YOU MUST FEEL WHAT YOUR BODY HAS TOLD YOUR MIND AND SENDS SIGNALS BACK TO YOUR FEELINGS IN ORDER TO KEEP FREEING UP EVER LIVING CELL TO MOVE AND CONTINUE TO DO ITS JOB ,,,BUT IF YOUR HAND HURTS BECAUSE YOUR STANDING ON IT YOUR MIND WILL SEEK TO RELIEVE THIS BACKED UP FLOW BUT IF YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE THE MIND AND NOT MOVE THE HAND YOUR BODY WILL EVENTUALLY GO INTO SHOCK BECAUSE IT CANNOT FUCTION PROPERLY UNTIL IT RESOLVES BOTH THE FEELINGS AND THE BLOCKAGE IT HAS CREATED.

THE MIND WILL EVEN SEEK NEW PATHWAYS TO RELIEVE THE BODY AND IF YOU DO NOT FEEL WHAT’S BEING DAMAGED IT WILL DIE .

YET EVEN AFTER THE LIMB HAS BEEN SEVERED AND THE PAIN WAS NEVER DEALT WITH, YOUR MIND STILL SEEKS TO STOP THE FEELING OF PAIN. IT’S CALLED PHANTOM PAIN. SO THERE YOU HAVE IT YOU HUMAN BEING. NOT DEALING WITH THE PROBLEM BY FEELING WHAT’S MEANT TO BE FELT MAY NEVER EVER GO AWAY. 

  THE BODY KNOWS WHAT IT WANTS AND NEEDS. THE MIND IS DEVELOPED OVER TIME AND FEELINGS IS THE MAGIC WE ARE LETTING THE MIND MANIPULATE. IF YOU SIT WITH YOUR BODY, MIND AND SOUL AND LET EACH COMMUNICATE TO EACH OTHER A CLEAR ANSWER IS GIVEN.

BUT OVER TIME YOU HAVE LEARNED THAT COMFORT WAS BEST FOR FEELING AND PAIN WAS MORE OF A PROTECTOR TO KEEP YOU IN LINE SORT OF SPEAK. BUT WHEN EXPERIENCING TOO MUCH OF ITHER YOU BECOME OUT OF BALANCE.

LEARNING NEW WAYS TO GET IN BALANCE…

LEARNING NEW WAYS TO GET EVERYTHING TO RUN IN BALANCE CAN BE VERY TRICKY ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO LET GO.

LETTING GO SOMETIMES CAN ONLY HAPPEN IF YOU LEARN TO GO BACK TO THE PAINFUL EXPERIENCE AND GIVE IT A PROPPER BURIAL.

FEELING EVERY EMOTION THAT COMES.ANGER MAYBE RESENTMENT SOMETIMES SHAME. IF YOU FEEL THEM AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU MAYBE FEELING AND UNDERSTAND YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSE TO TAKE THOSE FEELINGS WITH YOU THROUGHOUT LIFE BUT YOU WERE TO LEARN FROM AND CHANGE WHAT YOU COULD AND FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS IN ORDER TO MOVE ON TO YOUR NEXT THING COMING YOUR WAY. WHAT YOU WILLFULLY HOLD ON TO BECOMES WHO YOU ARE RATHER YOU WANT TO ADMIT IT. IF YOU CHOOSE TO HANG ON TO ANGER AND RESENTMENT EVERYTIME SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS YOU WILLFULLY ARE CARRYING THINGS FROM YOUR PAST HURTS AND PUTTING THEM IN FRONT OF EVERY WONDERFUL THING THAT COMES YOUR WAY. YOU ARE WILLFULLY CHOOSING NOT TO ENJOY YOUR NOW AND MOSTLIKELY YOU ARE FEELING BAD FEELING DEPRESSED AND DONT KNOW YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU HAVE CARRIED SO MUCH PAIN FOR SO LONG YOU HAVE BECOME NUMB TO YOUR OWN ACTIONS. 

NOW I KNOW THAT REALLY SOUNDS HARSH..TO WILLFULLY BE MISERABLE THOUGH YOU ARE TRYING EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO BE HAPPY AND YOU MIGHT EVEN FEEL HAPPY FOR A COUPLE DAYS UNTIL YOUR LEFT WITH YOU AND YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU BECOME ANGRY FOR NO REASON.OR SAD AND BLAME IT ON MANY PEOPLE OR THINGS.

NOT KNOWING YOU ARE YOUR WORST ENEMY HAS GIVE YOU A SORT OF POWER TO CONTROL YOUR OUTTER EXSISTANCE. YOU HAVE UNKNOWINGLY EXCEPTED EVERYTHING AS IT IS TO BE WHAT IT IS INSTEAD OF CHOOSING YOU HAVE GIVEN UP ON BEING HAPPY AND OR GIVEN UP ON DREAMING. YOU HAVE UNKNOWLY IM SURE DECIDED YOUR LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS AND OR YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT THE HELL YOUR LIVING AND OR BELIEVE YOU DESERVE IT.

IM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IS PURE MADE UP SURVIVAL THOUGHTS. NOW IS THE TIME TO LEARN THE TRUTH AND CHANGE.

CHANGING YOUR THOUGHT PATTERNS AND OR YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THEM IS NO EASY TASK. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT OR FELT THAT WAY. BUT IF YOU ARE WILLING TO FEEL PAIN YOU CAN CHANGE ALL OF IT.

THERE IS NO MAGIC THING IN LIFE THAT WILL GIVE YOU A LONG LASTING HAPPY EVERUTHINGS GONNA BE PERFECT. IT JUST DOESN’T EXSIST. KNOWING THAT AND ACCEPTING THAT IS CRUCIAL. THE SAME AS GETTING TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM PAIN WASNT MEANT TO BE A PERMANENT FIX. IE PILLS AND OR DRINKING ALCOHOL.

WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE FOR YOUR QUICK FIX IS ONLY A TEMPORAY BANDAID UNTIL YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED A ROUTE TO THE PERMANENT FIX.

MAYBE YOU WERE TAUGHT NOT TO MOURN OR COMPLAIN SO YOU STUFF IT ALL DOWN AND STARTED EATING OR SPENDING MONEY TO COPE..SURELY YOU CAN USE EITHER ONE OF THESE TEMPERARY QUICK FIXES AND TURN THEM INTO GREAT THINGS .BUT ONLY IF YOU ACTUALLY FIX WHAT YOUR TRYING TO STUFF DOWN.

MANY MANY MANY TIMES WE DONT WANT TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY AND YOU HAVE TOLD YOURSELF SOMETHING TO HELP YOU SUGAR COAT THE RIGHT TO THAT PIECE OF CAKE OR SECOND HELPING OF FOOD. THE VERY FACT THAT YOU NEED AN EXCUSE IS THE VERY FACT THAT IT IS SOMETHING THAT NEEDS DEALT WITH. YET OVER TIME YOU HAVE KEPT YOURSELF SO BUSY DOIBG AND DOING THAT HOW CAN YOU POSSIBALKY HAVE TIME TO SIT DOWN AND ACTUALLY FEEL WHAT THE HECK YOU NEED TO. NOW WE BOTH KNOW STAYING BUSY AND EATING A PIECE OF CAKE IS NOT GONNA SEND YOU TO HELL BUT IF YOUR DOING IT CONCIENCELY AND ARE VERY AWARE AND NIT JUST DOING IT FOR A END GOAL ITS OK. 

WE FORGET HOW THESE CYCLES OF BAD HABITS EVER GET STARTED AND ACTUALLY IF YOU DID NOT CHOOSE YOUR HABIT ITS NOT YOURS TO BRAG ON. ITS YOUR BANDAID YOU CHOSE TO NEVER TAKE OFF AND ACTUALLY FIX.

HOW CAN I RIP THAT BANDAID OFF AND FIX IT NOW? HOW CAN I POSSIBALLY ADREES THE SCAR?

BY JUST DEALING WITH IT.MAKING THAT TIME FOR YOURSELF IS THE MOST CRUCIAL STEP OF ANY CHANGE OR CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE.

TOO MANY TIMES IF YOU ARE TO SIT QUIETLY AND JUST BE AND JUST LET YOUR THOUGHTS GO YOU WILL TURN ON A TV OR RADIO AND CALL THAT RELAXING. IM HEAR TO TELL YOU YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW OR RADIO SHOW IS NOT GONNA CHANGE YOUR LIFE BUT IT WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISEMENT YOU DONT WANT OR NEED. 

IF YOU WANT CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE THAT TIME TO LUSTEN TO WHAT YOU YOURSELF ARE ADVERTISING.

I want to tell YOU my WHOLE  story but Im afraid you would think I want your pity …NOOO ..just understood ..I dont want to get OVER IT..THAT JUST LEAVES IT THERE TO REVISIT AGAIN & AGAIN…

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS !

I HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT SAFELY SO IT CANT HAUNT ME.NOR SNEAK UP ON ME, WHEN EVER A MEMORY OR FEAR OR STRESS OR ANYTHING POSSIBALLY RELATED TO IT , OR FEELS OR SMELLS ,OR RESEMBLES ONE OF MANY MANY TRAUMAS.THAT HAS OCCURRED. FROM AS YOUNG AS I CAN REMEMBER..THAT I LEARNED TO HIDE. FROM LITTERALLY…TO HIDE FROM MENTALLY & SPIRITUALLY ….TO BLOCK IT OUT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED…I LEARNED VERY YOUNG TO NEVER EVER FOCUS ON ME AND WHAT I REALLY NEEDED.KEEP THAT FOCUS OFF OF ME.OR ALL THAT WAS HIDDEN I WOULD HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT AND FEEL IT ALL OVER AGAIN…I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH HAD ACTUALLY HAPPENED EXCEPT A COUPLE MAJOR TRAUMAS THAT THOUGH I DID HAVE FRIENDS TO LEAN ON ..I DONT THINK WE EVER SPOKE ABOUT IT EVER AGAIN…BUT I CARRIED THE FLASHBACKS FOR YEARS LITTERALY EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES….BUT I WASNT TO TALK ABOUT IT..AFTER ALL TEY MOVED ME ACROSS COUNTRY TO GET AWAY FROM IT …..im peacing this toger as. I can remeber it .while my emotions have been bagged again.

But they could never understand .how could they..the day i got shot in the head and lived to tell about it .i had to be in court for my only real brothers death. I was walked in with two my best friends on my side. Everyone was there i remember .my mom.my half sister donna .half brother Tom..I even remeber Donna snide remark ..whats wrong with her…SHE WAS JUST SHOT IN THE HEAD.S.I THINK THEY TOLD HER I WAS STILL IN SHOCK.. THEY COUKD ONLY WAK ME TO THE COURTROOM DOOR ..I REMEMBER EVERYONE ON ONE SIDE ..ON OTHER SIDE I REMEBER SEEING MY DAD IN THE BACK PEW..I SAT DOWN ON THE SIDE HE. WAS ON ..BUT RIGHT UP FRONT….IREMEBER ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AFTERWARDS..FOR HOW LONG I STILL DONT KNOW… 

If I told you the whole story,

Im afraid you would think I want or need your pity..

No Im Learning what I was never taught … How to get through..However when you dont have a reliable support system, and constantly open and trust in being vulnerable again and again and again you just dont feel like doing it again..but you you do and people leave.they die. They just disappear…they hey get busy .life changes constantly..but when you have no idea whats so ever about a memorie you learned early in life how to hide..trust me …its like sweeping dirt under a rug ..eventually. Monds build up under that rug..and you hv been burying .hiding that dirt for sp long ..sure it comes out through the wovenness of that rug..it leaks out the sides .especially when someone steps on it just right..Then someone tries to help you clean it up but you dont let them actually see whats really under that carpet so they feel like you dont trust them maybe .or they think they hv to help you clean up that dirt that keeps seeping ousomeone trips and lands hardand nit only does stain reapear but you ate hurt or broke a leg .and everyone is there asking questions and tending to all that they could and they all leave and your there now hurting alone with that stain and memories of a certain time you swept things uder that rug .yet you think how can that be ..i have vaccummed .i have spept i gave shampooed i have svrubbed .how could that still be there..you begin to remeber all the times you have dealt with this thing and you hv tried everything everyone had offered ..different recipes .different chemicals .different techniques over the years .til you remeber oh thats right i wasnt suppose to walk on it and you remebered somemore hell you went through over that rug .lost family .friends .even moved away a few times…i know ill put another rug over it and it works again for a while .before long the caroet looks new .you can walk on it you can live on it have company over life is pretty grand .until one day you spilled something on it no better yet someone else accidently spills a large say glass of wine .you both jump to clean it up though your anxiety and frustration and anger is so displaced over an accident that you cant are to tell them why ..so again yourve lost your friends and family .everyone thinks your crazy and need meds they say why cant you just get over..again another peace of you dies…
 This goes on over and over all through your whole life.one really tramatic event you tried to sweep under the rug. Because everytime you tried to tell someone you were pushed to the side..your told your liei g .your just a problem child .you are hated by everyone in the family because you didnt know what to do. And it kept happening even as you got older…you were so sensitive about certain things you became a protector and a damn scary individual .you had to be or it woukd happen again …yet something else trajic happens your already hated and parents trying to put you in fosyer are .your on the onstant run trying to prove you an make it on your own but its all a acade you loose your one and only protectir .the one that use to hide you and give you money to eat on and have his friends look out after you as you bounced from house to house..but now you are completely alone with attle scars of an adult and you hvnt even turn 16 yet..d they begin to think ..oh they dont want that carpet cleaned ..so you accept it..until one day you hear the crying or mad .anxious or confused .you want to just rip out the carpet .but instead you shampoo them..everythings fone for a while maybe even years or months or even 24 hrs later stains appear and that person fears whats under that said carpet…so this time you add some tough scrubbing thinking that will remove the stain .and it does for a while until its used again…so now you got an idea ..we just wont enter that room when i you go over there..all is well again…A few years later everything seems to be fine ..and its safe to have people walk across that rug and all the sudden some