Get off the Tit…get mad..thst will motivate you πŸ˜

Yep..GET YOUR ARSES UP AND DO SOMETHING… AND IF YOU CANT..MAKE A VISION BOARD..TV AND RADIO ARE NOT GONNA CHANGE YOU..YOUR THOUGHTS WON’T WITH OUT ACTIONS..YOUR WORDS WON’T WITHOUT ACTION..YOUR FEELINGS WILL KEEP YOU STUCK .. ARE YOU GOOD AT SOMETHING…ANYTHING?   SHARE IT.. YOU ARE MORE THEN WHAT YOU COUKD IMMAGINE..IMMAGINE IT AND PUT THAT ON PAPER SOME HOW..EVEN IF IT’S PICTURES OF WHAT YOUR GOOD AT..COLLECT 1000S OF THEM …THEN PUT IT TO WORK FOR YOURSELF…P L E A S E…DONT SIT IN THE SAME PLACE DAILY..CHANGE ..CHANGE ..CHANGE.THE SAME OLE SAME OLE IS GOOD FOR TRYING TO ADAPT TO A NEW SITUATION..ONLY THEN IS IT CALLED STABILITY…BUT DANG YOU CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES ..YOUR UNDERWEAR DAILY RIGHT…NEW WATER COMES OUT OF THEY FACET FOR A REASON…H E L L O……IS ANY BODY AWARE? ….. CHANGE IS GOOD …LOOK AT THE SEASONS….HELLO……. NEED HELP? OR ARE YOU A BELLY AKER JUST TO WIPE YOUR OWN TEARS…  LIVE YOUR LIFE ON PURPOSE…YOUR PURPOSE IS BEGGING YOU TO SHUT UP AND JUST DO IT…DONT CARE WHAT IT IS …OR WHO WILL LIKE IT…TRUST YOURSELF…TRUST GOD…SCARED???  WHO THE HELL ISN’T…BUT YOU WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNTIL YOU ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE ..ACCEPT WHAT  AND WHO YOU ARE RIGHT HERE AND NOW…AN D TAKE ONE BRAVE THING ON DAILY..THEN 2.  THEN 3 ON SO IN..CRAWL ..IF YOU HAVE TO BUT DO ONE BRAVE ACTION…..EVEN IF IT’S CUTTING YOUR HAIR STEPPIBG OUTSIDE.CALLING THE BANK FORGIVING SOMEONE ..WRITING DIWN YIUR DREAMS..TURNING OFF THE TV AND SITTING WITH YOURSELF ALL ALONE AND FEELING WHAT YOU FEAR…..HELL YEA IT HURTS..HELL YEA YOUR GONNA FEEL DIFFERENT ..STRANGE.GIDDY.LOUSY. ECT..BUT DAMN IT YOUR ALL YOU GOT…YI UR THE NASTER OF YIIUR GOOD AND BAD…DONT WAIT FOR A MATE TO BE HAPPY A BANK LOAN TO BRANCH OUT. A PHONE CALL BACK…YOU…YOU …YOU ..ONLY YOU..YOU.YOU..YOU.YOU.YOUYIU..you You U.YOU….HAVE ALL THE POWER TO CHANGE..MOVE..FEEL .. DO..DO .  DO …GET ME…DO..THAT ONE THING WHATEVER IT MAY BE…TO CHANGE. YOUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS….GET OFF THE TIT..AND MOVE TO THE BOTTLE THEN TO THE MEAT IF THE JOY OF BEING GREATFUL IN YOUR LIFE….

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT….NEED HELP??…I DIDN’T THINK SO …BUT IF YOUR TO DANN PROUD…LET ME KNOW I CAN REMIND YOU OF HOW HUMAN WE ALL ARE…GET OUT YOUR OLD SELF AND STEP INTO CURIOSITYπŸ˜‰πŸ˜—πŸ€—πŸ’πŸ™πŸ‘‘

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How big or little is your Faith

Yea yea yea Im up…in my recliner drinking coffee and dreaming of what I wish i coukd be doing right now..like Fishing..wish i could walk through the woukds seeking treasures..riding horses and 4 wheelers..painting better unstead of worse. Running and kicking ball with the gkids..or helping my kids out with projects around thier house..oh moving to a wonderful apt with an elevator..yes and dreaming of a scope going through my spine fixing everylittle thing wrong..picking out a puppy and a new betta fish .Ill again name Hope..hope he last..lets see..awe yes having Sunday dinners with family and friends and nieghbors like back in the day when the kids were little..it was Thanksgiving almost every sunday…

  What more can I dream of to take my mind off the pain that has burnt out one of the flames or bright lights that was once there and now its not ..its never coming back..My brain will create a new path back over rainbiw bridge but only if I help it. I help it by dreaming and visualising the things hoped for. Thats what faith is..Ive been disregarded for my faith and understanding how others work actually helped me in understanding mine..yet it still hurts to see all religions mocking and hating on one another .. All I know is my experience and I refuse to debate with you what works and what dont..It is all flawed. I woukd L9ve to tell you about Jesus but That name in my language may be sonething different in yours ..How do I inspire you to have hope in someth8ng or someone you cant see and wander if like youve been told are going to hell..I can’t..I can only be as honest as I possibalky can with my emotion.graces trials and triumps.I can only pray God above uses me for good and continues to pull me out of evils way ..evils harm..I get my ownself into.

  So today I want to tell you..Yes you may be going through what feels like hell and may even cause you doubt…but I beg you to keep your eyes on the good unless you are working through some exstremely horrible past events..Share them until they have no power over you but dont expect it to happen over night..Find the right Angels that can handle hearing such trauma because if it was severe for you to go through .NOT EVERYONE CAN HANDLE HEARING IT…

 THIS DOESNT MEAN YOUR BAD. ACTUALLY IT MEANS YOU ARE SPECIAL..AND YOU WILL HELP OTHERS THIS WORLD NEEDS HEROS…THE KIND THAT HAVE BEEN BURNED AND MELTED AND THIER SPIRIT IS STILL LOVING AND KIND AND CARING….

 ITS NEVER LIKE WHAT YOU THINK OR WANT TO SEE..NITHER IS JESUS

 HE IS INVISIABLE AND CAN BE ANYWHERE IN ANYONE IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE…HE LOVES YOU AND THAT THERE AS I CAN HONESTLY TELL YOU..IS LIFE..IS LOVE..AND COMPASSION..DONT GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT YOUR EYES AND MIND CANT UNDERSTAND. JUST BELIEVE ASK HIM IN YOUR HEART .BODY MIND AND SOUL BECOMES HIS TO DEFEND …..TRUST ME THIERS NO REASON SCIENTIFICALLY I SHOUKD BE HERE AND YES I CRY AND SCREAM TOO..ESPECIALLY WHEN I WANT MORE OUT OF LIFE THEN IM GIVEN..THIS IS WHERE THE OTHER STUDYING HAS HELPED ME GREATLY ..TO BE THANKFUL EVEN WHEN ITS HARD..WHEN ITS UNBEARABLE..WHEN U FEEL ALL ALONE..BELIEVE ME. GOD HUNG THE STARS AND THE MOON. I THINK HE KNOWS HOW TO SUSTAIN AND TURN WATER INTO WINE..BUT SEEK .HOPE AND BELIEVING IN MIRACLES..LOOKING FOR THEM KEEPS THE ONE THING MOST ALLRELIGIONS AND BELIEFS FAIL AT IS FAITH..

FAITH HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME…FAITH IN WHAT EVER RIGHTEOUS AND GOOD….NOW THAT IS WHAT HEROS ARE REALLY MADE OF…FAITH IT IS POSSIBLE…PRAY FOR FAITH…NOT MONEY.LOVE IS CHARITY…NOT SEX..AND WE ARE ALL SOULS AND EXHAIL THIERS YOUR GHOST..SPIRITUAL BEING. THE BODY IS A SHELL..NOW WHICH DO YOU THINK MOVES FASTER SPIRIT OR BODY…PRAY IN SPIRIT BELIEVE IN THE UNSEEN…START WITH THAT AND PRAY FOR WISDOM.BUT BE. WILLING  TO ACCEPT ..NO …MEANS NO AND LATER YOU WILL BE SHOWN WHY IF YOU SEEK FOR THE ANSWERS..

 NOT EVERYONE YOU SEE IS AS YOU SEE. NOT EVERYTHING YOU DO IS FOR YOU. NOT EVERYTHING IS A TEST.

 FAITH FAITH FAITH NOW THAT MOVES MOUNTAINS. JUST REMEMBER TO ASK TO SEE IT IN THIS LIFETIME..IT MIGHT OF MOVED A ND YOU DIDNT NOTICE.HOW BIG IS YOUR MOUNTAIN ARE YOU WILLING TO MOVE IT WITH A SPOON….

Seeking. finding.. your History

Broke out my crocheting. Just to try keep my hands busy but just like everything else my hands go completely numb..but I figure hey its something..I made baby blankets for all my grandchildren .And Tisha has one in the oven but I know its not Rich or Good enough..So Ill add it to my donation box at the door waiting to be loaded up.if I can get the strength to do it..Im not sure how long ill be down this time . I doubled up on meds and went out the other night to say hello to friends i hvnt seen in a while..Of course i put on my Happy face and only sipped on a couple beers. 

 Ive had to change plans on moving theres no way I can do it by myself so Ill be staying put where I am .Hey it is what it is.

  Ive learned alot though..like never trust anyone..never trust a fast talker and promises mean nothing.

 I have learned yes ive slipped into depression though i refuse to admit and pray its just for a season. I’ve learned that unless I become like others and change my morals to be like the worlds I wont have true friends. Not any around here anyways.. Ive learned that the trauma that i experienced so very young has shaped me to who i am and am not..While sorting through medical files and journals I have learned I am truly a miracle just to be alive. I have learned my anxiety was formed from a very very young age. But I dont understand why it is I still try to trust the untrustables. or why I havent killed someone..

 I have learned I have destroyed so much in my life with my mouth alone..Im not looking for no ones pitty and frankly being on bottom alone has taught me Ive been alone. My entire life. I worked hard I played hard and was brutally sad and brutally honest..My temper has calmed yet I know if needed it can eroad like a bomb.. I refuse to be Abused by no one ..nor manipulated any more by everyone who has mistaken my kindness for weakness…because now I am very very weak physically and somewhat mentally but more in tune for bullshit then ever…You could say I have been being tuned for the next chapter. I know I am one of a kind because of the kindness and true caring heart and soul…but never underestimate me I shock myself also…It just may be me holding my peace or holding my aces in my back pocket because I know without a shadow of doubt All those who chose to purposely rip me apart or kick me while i was down I could name the ultimate hell they are going through. That i myself hurt for them …

 Learning things about yourself or finally seeing them under a new light. Well lets just say…you think you know but until your willing to really look really feel from another view you have no idea who YOU. Really are..

 What have you been hiding your whole life..what have you hidden and swore to take to your grave..What did you say or do and wish you could take back or change…Who are you when no one absolutely no one is there to help pick you up or hold your hand or dave your LIFE??? 

 Question I have for God when I go home is Why did you pick me to carry the pain of everyone else yet not reconise my own…

 God Bless the Seekers….seeking can be exciting until you find things you refuse to accept you can never take it back…you cant erace it..you cant change it…IT IS NOW A PART OF HISTORY…

 NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU DISPISE IT..DENY IT..HIDE IT..IT IS STILL VALUABLE ….BUT MOST OF ALL HOW YOU HANDLE IT WILL BE THE ONLY THING THAT CAN CHANGE IT……HISTORY IS HELPFUL NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL IT IS.  BUT STOP TRYING TO CHANGE IT …..NOW IS NOW..AND TODAY MAY BE YOUR LAST…LEAVE A LEGACY OF LOVE.
 IF NO ONE ACCEPTS YOU AVCEPT YOURSELF…IF NO ONE CARES FOR YOU CARE FOR YOURSELF..IF NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOU ..MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF…IF NO ONE BELIEVES IN YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF…IF THEY DONT LIKE YOU ACCEPT THAT IS A GIFT FROM GOD ABOVE…BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN BLINDED BY SOMETHING THEY ARE TRYING TO HIDE…..SEEK OUT THE TREASURES IN YOU….ITS MORE EFFECTIVE FOR YOUR HISTORY IN THE MAKING …..WITH ALL MY LOVE. TAMMY WHITAKER LIVINGSTONπŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ’–πŸ’žπŸ’˜πŸ‘£

Im not giving my all on purpose.Im free to give exactly as I choose.

I have to admit.I still am holding back..not so much in Fear as one might think or even as I emotionally thought. I hold back so much of me because I am changing Mentally .Emotionally.Spiritually and Physically.. I am learning I cant be all that I use to be..boy is that HARD..

  FOR INSTANCE.. I want to jump out there and help the younging work on his old chevy..but instead I walked out and offered him some exstentions ratchets that I had gotten back when I asked my husband to change the altenator on my avalanche .I could not even lift it up into the motor housing..I shared the same wisdom with him as I did with my ex back then..

 You can Google what you are looking to replace and find videos of complete instalation on how to..Pick the guy or gal you resignate with watch the full video a couple times to be sure you have all the tools ect you will need. nithing worse then having to hunt diwn a tool mid installation haha like my ex….See he was a computer geek his hands were softer then mine. It was a compliment ti be with someone opposite of me so I thought for many many years. Yet after many years it was I who done all the labor he helped some but complained and complained. I did most by myself..That my friend was a sure deal breaker..I finally encouraged him to go be a Truck driver if thats what he wanted.

  After he got that job he changed drastically..We were married .he paid the bills but stop coming home. Then he started callung ither truck drivers and thier wives to talk to..While I hung on for dear life I knew he was cheating . I blew up at first then I accepted it on his grounds. Though I begged for a divorce while i was younger haha. He refused.. I was his trophe. He was my safety net..and still is til one more year.

   

 Let me tell you that it shoukd of ended a very ling time ago..but I was in live scared hurt alone and he knew it.. Though he meant well on not just running it handicapped me worse then any one can immagine..I believed he woukd always be there.I even after 4 yrs seperation went back to him nit knowing what I know now ..He had already had a plan. 

  The point is…I begged to go to school and have army medical he refused Every few months he changed i surance and doctors ..it was pure hell..by time we were going our seperate ways. Me to my grandbabies and farm back home he was still cheating. I would rent a house he would after agreeing he stopped the money ..I list the deposit and was forced bk home. Only to be beaten almost killed and humiliated and ABANDONED..Sicker then any of us really knew..My Heart was Broken ..no really .I had given up on life ..and so my heart was giving up too.
See dont you understand I knew better..I was independent when he met me and I became so vulnerable in trusting him it was bound to happen ..WHEN WE GIVE ALL OUR POWER OVER TO SOMEONE ELSE.WE RELINQUISH ALL RUGHT TO BITCH AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT….

 

SAD THING IS I WANTED THAT SO BADLY…I WANTED TO BE AT HOME WIFE AND MOTHER AND TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY AND NOT HAVE TO WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME..BECAUSE I WAS DAMN GOOD AT IT….I BEGGED TO HAVE KNOWELEGDE AND EQUAL SAY OF THE BILLS ECT.. I WAS DAMN GOOD AT PAYING MY BILLS .. BUT I AGREED TO LET HIM DO IT ALL AFTER HE WAS RELEASED FROM THE ARMY..HE NEEDED THE STRESS ..HE DIDNT BUT HE FELT HE NEEDED IT FOR HIS MANHOOD…
  BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR IN ANY GIVEN MOMENT YOU MAY GET IT..WITH NO RETURNS….

  

  I CONTINUED TO SPIN MY WEB OF INSECURITY AND GIVNG UP ALL RIGHTS TO FIGHT FIR ANYTHIBG INCLUDING MY BACK INJURY I SETTLED OUT OF COURT.

 I FIGURED I WAS WEAK AND UNWORTHY OF A LIFE WHERE I MADE ALL THE DECISIONS .I WAS A WOMAN LIVING IN A MANS WORLD AND I WAS TO BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD..I WAS TROPHY I WAS GREAT TO LOOK AT AND BE USED AND ABUSED HOW EVER A MAN DEEMED FIT FOR HIS OCCASION..ACTUALLY FROM A CHILD UP.. I WAS GREAT AT RELINQUISHING POWER OVER AND BUILDING UP THE MAN AFTER ALL HE WAS THE BREAD WINNER..OH BY HIS CHOICE…HOW DARE I THINK I COULD DO OR BE ANYTHING MORE…..AHH I HAD SO MUCH RESENTMENT IN ME ..I BECAME LOUDER AND LOUDER..I COULD BLOW UP AND EVERYTHING WOUKD SCATTER BECAUSE I HAD TO HAVE SOME SAY IN THIS LIFE…I WAS TRAINED TO BE A BITCH BUT I KNEW MY PLACE….
       IT HAS TAKEN ME DOWN A PATH I AM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY ASTOUNDED..NOW ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE EQUAL SAY..TO BE CONCIDERED..TO BE ASKED MY OPINION.. I HAVE GAVE IN GAVE UP SO OFTEN IN SHEAR TERROR AND CONFUSION THE BATTLE IN MY MIND AND BODY WERE SO BAD ..I KNEW I COUKD DO MORE I KNEW I WAS SMARTER .I KNEW I HAD RIGHTS…BUT I JUST COULD NIT FIGHT AND ARGUE NO MORE FOR ANYTHING…MY BIDY WAS SHUTTING DOWN THEN ALSO MY MIND…THE SIEZURES IH THE SIEZURES…THEY PISSED HIM OFF SO BAD BECAUSE HE NO LONGER HAD CONTROL..

  TO THIS DAY IF IT BECOMES TOO OVERWHELMING I GO INTO A SIEZURE.. THOUGH I CRY ADMITTING THIS .. I CANNIT NOR WILL NOT EVER EVER BE CONTROLLED BECAUSE MY BODY MY MIND SAYS NOPE NOPE NOOO.
 I PRAY THAT THIS HELPS YOU ..WHEN I SAY FEEL THE FEAR..OR YOU CAN DO IT ..I MEAN IT….THINK OF THIS….IF YOU CONTINUE TO HAND OVER YOUR LIFE TO SOMEONE OR SOMETHING AND ALWAYS. BE THE ONE TO GIVE IN AND PLEASE EVERYONE ELSE…YOUR BODY YOUR MIND YOUR SPIRIT WILL FIGHT YOU…..BECAUSE INSIDE YOU KNOW YOU WANT SONETHING BETTER ..DIFFERENT..YOU WERE BORN TO CREATE AND NOT BE UNDER DICTATION..
   SO BEFORE YOU GIVE IN ONE TIME MORE…SAY TO YOUR SELF ……I AM WORTHY…I CAN….I WILL MAKE IT !!!

  YOU JUST HAVE TO START LUSTENING TO THE INNER MAN…YOUR SOUL WANTS TO TALK TO YOU….SLOW DOWN AND STOP RUSHIBG INTO DECISSIONS YOU KNOW FROM THE VERY MOMENT YOU WERE ASKED OR TOLD SOMETHING YOU KNEW INSIDE THE ANSWER WAS. HELL NO… NO NO NO NO……BUT YOU CANT STAND TO SEE ANYONE UPSET OR HURT SO YOU PUT YOURSELF ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK INSTEAD…

 HOW MANY TIMES HAVE DONE THAT ?

 YEA WELL THATS HIW MANY TIMES ITS GONNA TAKE TO UNDO….

 YOU HAVE TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER YOUR INNER MAN IS FIGHTING FOR YOU TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF…..  IT WONT BE EASY ..BUT IT IS POSSIBLE…TRUST ME .IM LIVING PROOF……..DO YOU FIRST…..YOU ARE THE FURST PERSON YOU NEED TO THINK OF AND FIGHT FOR..SOUNDS HARSH…OK WELL WITHOUT YOU ALL LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT….YOU……SO DO YOU FIRST. 

  AND FOR GODS SAKE THAT DONT MEAN TO GO ABUSE AND NEGLECT OTHERS AND YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES…GET A GOOD MENTOR…SONEONE YOU RESPECT AND HONOR..AND HELL NO. NOT YOUR YES PEEPS ..THEY WILL TELL YOU YES WHILE THEY STEAL FROM YOUR BROKEN SELF..THEY WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR WEAKNESSES ..THEY WILL TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LIVE YOU ALL THE WHILE SUCK EVERYTHING YOU HAVE LEFT OUT OF YOU…… NONONONO……GO ALONE…

YOU WANNA KNOW WHO YOU ARE DEEP INSIDE…GO ALONE DAILY….WHAT DO YOU THINK PRAYER IS AND WORSHIP IS?

WHY DO YOU THINK MEN CALL THE TOILET THEIR THRONE? BECAUSE ALONE YOU ARE THE KING..OR QUEEN…YOU GOT TO ALONE FOR YOU TO HEAR YOURSELF…TO BE ALINE IS NOT A BAD THING …DONT YOU GET IT? EVEN JESUS WENT TO BE ALONE…..YOU HAVE QUESTIONS…ASK YOU FIRST…YOU GET STUCK …MEDITATE…..YOU NEED SPARKS TO FLY…FIND A GOOD MENTOR….. IT WAS IN YOU THE WHOLE TIME BUT SONEONE MADE YOU FEEL GUILTY…..SOMEONE IS ALWAYS GONNA TRY MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY ….WHY?   SO THEY CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND…….

  SO YEA .IM NOT GIVING MY ALL IM SHARING EXSACTLY WHAT I WANT TO..ON MY TERMS…..BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE THATS WHY WE LOVE THEM SO MUCH. BUT THE WINDS CAN GUST THEM INTO PLACES THEY DIDNT PLAN…THEY JUST DO WHAT THEY KNOW TO DO FLY.FLY FLY
KEEP FLYING YOUR JOURNEY CAN BE EXCITING AS YOU WILL LET IT…BUT YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF ALL THE OLD BELIEFS…

   

Poetry to Lifes pupose..

You were born to play all through life .you were born to die one day.Its a gift to Live life the Happpiest you can be…while your here counting down the years..First to get older thento try to stop the hands on your clocks…woa is it to you who dont make the BEST of your life…Anywhere any age any how you are the only one who can make you smile.Smile back at you in the mirror.

Love yourself ..then your enemies will be easy..Love is in the Air you breathe ..exhale life all around you..Create like your Creator …One another.hand in hand …Your never Alone….Unless you choose too be. While your at it ‘Living LIFE on Purpose ‘ purposely give back the blessings…what goes around comes around…. A Grateful Heart is Happy on Purpose …It is a ‘choice’ to make a concience and aware decision….To be the Best …The purpose of your life leaves an imprint on someones life..what will your memories stamp on anothrs heart…..we all get someone to Love in life …come and goe all through the years …passing back and forth a Love you bear with xnother….you footsteps make and leave a imprint that one will follow…a child a lost soul..it comes to you in your final moments ..you. WERE BORN TO LEAVE A MEMORY…

Your purpose in Life is to s haxrvce your love.to fall many times to get the answer correctly….thats Life..thats Loving the learning this magnificant world has to offer….make the an easy path to follow if you truly desire to lead others….Grateful is Grateful does amongst each other ….yet sure one will bleed..A. Bleeding heart will mourn for Life ….And willl continue to Give ..Give while you Live ….Love as you can daily in your mirror……LOVING YOU …YEARNS FOR MY HEART FOR ITS WIDE OPEN….WE CAN CHOOSE TO LIVE.DIE OR. I CAN LOVE OR DIE OF A UNLOVED HEART….CRYING OUT FROM EMPTINESS …EMPTY ONLY BECAUSE WE CHOSE TO LET ANOTHER TAKE  LIFE . LOVE .THE  BLESSINGS. WE SHOULD BE CONTINUING TO GIVE .OUR LOVE AWAY CONTINUALLY ….LIKE WATER IS TO THIS PLANET..ALWAYS MOVING AND CHANGING ITS EXCISTANCE…LOVE CANIT BE CONTAINED OR IT BECOMES STAGNIT..POISON TO YOUR VEINS….

 LET GO OF THOSE REINS MOVE WITH THE FLOW OF LIFE AS IT IS GIVEN…AS YOU RECIEVE YOUR DAILY BLESSINGS..YOU HAVE MASTERED YOUR TRUE PURPOSE IN LIFE…….GOD .LOVE.GIVE.RECIEVE YOUR LIFES BLESSINGS

I Bless each of you. Whom crosss my PathπŸ˜˜πŸ’–πŸ™πŸ’˜πŸ’ŽπŸ’“πŸ’‹πŸ’­

My Life Changed Dramaticaly in a Blink of an Eye…

Excuse me while I take a trip down pitty party lane..Only because I remember some things and may not later…
If only I had Others to stand by me with my back injury in 96.

Idiots stocked steps on a 5 inch cable that was holding a refridgeration unit in place. The stairs were used to reach the top of the building off a scapula that would not reach the top. while watching my nephew fly forward, scared for him, I stepped up with left leg not realising what was happening. The stairs rocked backwards. I have no Idea how I was able to throw myself forward only to go for a massive ride twisting and turning all the while completely loaded down with toolbelt full of my tools and two buckets of more tools and screws and such approx 50lbs each. It was a dance with death I believe. I was not going out like that.

As I maneuvered across the damp rubber roof somehow I had finally stopped completely scared to death on the very edge of the root again litterally facing where I came up and going back off.. I glanced up to see if anyone was watching and hopefully near to grab me because within God knows how long I knew I was about to go off the edge of this roof for a second and final time.

I only remember seeing my foreman looking across at me with a look of assurance he knew I was done for. Β  Β  Β I cannot tell you what held me in place on the very edge of the rubber moist roof, bent over fully loaded facing death. It was an undeniable complete miracle.
I only ‘think, it was my nephew Jerry that peeled my hands off the two buckets ..no wait I remember one was my drill in case.I think… Yet I cannot tell you what happened in the next few moments or how I even moved from the edge. Though Im sure it was back to work as usual for I was a woman the only woman on that roof and my pride had got the best of me. I know the next thing I remember is us trying to move 500lbs maybe more of coping cap across the roof on a dolly. Rickymy foreman, Jerry,my nephew and I.

I remember saying there was no way I was coming off that roof until the job was finished. We finished it litterally by moonlight. I remember getting my groove down drilling and rolling, drilling and rolling, because I hurt so bad yet I would not quit I loved my job and we had just come back from Jacksonville Nc at the base while Storm ‘Fran’ had come through. I had just recieved a dollar raise for stepping up into foreman position leadership over Aproximately 32 men at the coast.

Over the years what seems like almost yesterday in my mind. I have been through mad hell trying to get my back back. I have been dissed as scam as oh thats what you get for being a woman from doctor after doctor. I think it was 3 months before anyone took me seriously about the pain. I was in 3 months of pure hell. Actually the first day after the accident i woke up completely numb from the waste down..I was so scared my mate had actually slapped me to bring me back to reality..My daughter was asleep in the other room..My little girl had experienced with me this hell and is now a becoming a nurse she works at the hospital …i trutufully dont kniw how she does it especially after dealing with me all these years. I PRAY she becomes a doctor ine day.

My daughter was litteraly my everything. She cooked she cleaned she did everything because her momma got hurt and couldn’t walk couldnt sleep to be honest my life ended but I could not give up I was a momma..I could not just give up because if my daughter in only second grade could do all she was doing then I was gonna fight too even harder.
I m going to stop here this was hard enough .Remembering an accident that should of been avoided in the first place..But the hell And fight for the last 20 years to even today is my everyday life. The roofing company won like always they hv more money and to this day I fight to keep things in order on a daily basis dependent on pain relief just to hv any kind of life is only a fraction of hell I have been through with medical.The drugs the misdiagnosing has taken the last 20 years of my life.My marriage family friends. The drugs destroyed me ..3 years ago i said no more after heart failure and lime disease and h1n1 flu and absolutely no one left I tried my hardest to lay down and give up I had taken over 100 somas . I was sooo mad and hurt confused.Seizures and one medical disaster after another my kids were tired of it .I didnt blame them .In a blink of an eye I can go from 10 to 0 hit the floorc.or yell in agony hv a siezure to screaming and hollering in pure frustration…why in Gods name to God save me from that fall.why? I dont quit I guess. Somehow some way I keep on going.I hit th bottom and start crawling back. Im shocked at myself I keep crawling though now alone still trying to remember where i left off.Just living the best I can . Lifting others up and trying so hard to get my message out there NOT TO GIVE UP . Β SOME STRUGGLE HARDER THEN OTHERS…WHY? BECAUSE SOME WERE BORN WARRIORS….bitch moan complain.scream holler get drunk screw up..cry scream apologise forgive .forget ..none of it matters at all if YOU ARE DEAD…..

It gets easier when you let go of expectations..It gets easier when you just take it at your own pace. Maybe Im alone because I truthfully do not want anyone to see me suffer anymore. Im tired of explaining whats going on Im tired of the fake concern just so I can boost others egos and beg scream cry and plead for help and absolutely no one comes..At this point in my life I cannot remember things.yet when the memories come I want to write them down or talk about them hoping to retain some memories and hopefully strengthen my mind. I would live to go to school ..yea right I cant remember to take my meds everyday same time and that pisses me off

 

And so this I will probally forget I wrote too but maybe just maybe Ill remember when I can get help from someone to fight for what you call i think social security..disability.15 years I begged my husband to help me…yea no keep house sit pretty and leave him alone..Yep and when you dont he puts you in pure hell knowing that you are dependent on him .HE made damn sure of that..until he finally found or shall i say they found him at work her a sugar daddy for her babies..YEA once the kids were grown and gone his paycheck lowered no more write offs..im not going there I loved my husband more then he loved me.Just another big lesson in life i guess..Is what it is… However I truly pray there is a life after this one and I hope i can take these lessons with me.BECAUSE I AINT GETTING BACK WHAT I LOST THE DAY I GOT INJURED AT WORK …..

 

I didnt want to grow up being a tomboy I was forced too.. Now thats another story

Now Im off to get some bc powders and Luve Life On Purpose !

Nobody’ is searching and fighting for her Wings

Trying to find my way back to me..It has been some really harsh reality raining in. Im praying that if I slowly keep stepping out of my comfort zone there Ill find the rest of the pieces of me that has been scattered.tattered.some lost.some purposely burried.

 Standing up for myself is and has never been easy because of that scared lil girl still hiding always hopefull the war would be over and once again safe to play.safe to love.safe to be me.

 Pain has a funny way of tripping you up as if your warrior sword is always sharpened and always close. And ready for battle.

  Ah but the true Battle is deep with in that others only kicked up the dirt that scarcely has hidden.

 Any and all pain we hide or refuse to give up only because of the fear of starting world war 3 within and all around keeps us silently already in our readymade coffins and already chosen burrial grounds.

 Fear is the master planner the seargent in arms. Fear wears the battlescars proudly and guards diligently to protect the others hidden and scattered abroud the heart .body.mind.and soul.

 Each year I have chosen to stand up to fear many times just a simple glimpse in the mirror is all it took to back down into my comfort zone.

 Each time I felt myself loosing a part of me forever admitting I had been wounded way to deep the scars aline would need be surgically removed just to deal with the actual wound.

 The many battles I fought I never gave myself credit for surviving actually I had done just the opposite. I let the battle dictate ..I WAS NEVER FIGHTING AGAIN.

  GIVING UP THE WILL TO FIGHT LITTERALLY WAS THE KEY TO MY HAVEN OR MY HELL.

  Though I hate violence I had given up my WILL…

  MY WILL TO LIVE .MY WILL TO LOVE.MY WILL TO STAND UP AND BE SEEN OR HEARD.AFTER ALL I NEVER GOT NO REWARDS.OR CROWNS OR TROPHIES .INSTEAD. I WAS GIVEN the CROWN of FEAR of CONFUSION. Of SHAME.

 By the very people I loved Most….I WAS IN CHARGE NOW..NO ONE WOULD DARE HURT ME AGAIN.

  I LAUGH AT THIS NOW BECAUSE LIKE A MIRROR DISTORTING THE TRUTH I ONLY HAD TO WALK LIKE.TALK LIKE..DRESS LIKE A HERO…AND NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW THE TRUTH.
  SO HERE I AM PULLING OUT EVERY PIECE OF SCRAP OF PAIN THAT I CAN TO FREE MY MYSELF ONCE AND FOR ALL..TO BE VULNERABLE ENOUGH TO LOVE AGAIN. LOVE ALL OF ME.. IT’S NOT EASY AND IT DAMN SURE ISN’T HAPPENING THE WAY I EXPECT. BUT AT LEAST ITS HAPPENING IM JUST CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT WILL BE LEFT…

NOBODY WILL BE SOMEBODY AND HOPEFULLY ILL BE BLESSED WITH A NEW NAME..HOPEFULLY SOMETHING LIKE ANGEL THAT WILL DEPEND ON GOD…THIS GIRL IS FIGHTING THE WARS INSIDE ONCE AGAIN ..

 THE WARS THAT NOONE KNOWS ABOUT .NO ONE TALKS ABOUT .NO ONE WANTS TO REMEMBER AND WANT TO FORGET.

 BUT IF IM NOT WILLING TO FIGHT FOR ME .HOW COULD I POSSIBLY ASK ANYONE ELSE …LOVE AND WAR GO HAND IN HAND. GETTING REAL WITH THE TRUTH WILL ARE YOUR SOUL AND LEAVE YOU TO BE PARCHED BY THE BLAZING SUN. BUT IF YOU LOVE YOU ARE WILLING TO HANG ON AN OPEN TREE THAT KINDA LOVE IS WHAT WE ALL SEEK BUT FEAR HAS CONFUSED OUR SOULS .TAUGHT US TO LIE AND HIDE……

I CHOSE TO BARE MY SOUL FOR ALL TO SEE ..SO THAT I COULD NO LONGER HIDE BEHIND ME..
  NOW EACH TIME THE BATTLE SCARS CRY. THEY RUN RAMID AND FREE.I LET THEM ONLY TO WATCH SILENTLY WHAT IT IS THEY ARE TRYING TO HIDE AND KEEP SECRETLY..

 NOW THIS IS MY WAY AND CAUTIOUSLY I FLY ALONE BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN DEATH IS KNOCKING ON MY DOOR I KNOW HE IS WAITING FOR ME AT THE HEAD OF MY TOMBSTONE..

 I HAVE A CHOICE..TO TRY MY BEST AND FAIL OVER AND OVER AGAIN…OR I QUIT .I THROW DOWN ALL MY WEAPONS OF LIFE AND COURAGE AND I GIVE IN TO HIM…..I WANT MY ANGEL WINGS SO THAT WHEN ITS MY TURN TO TRADE FOR A NEW BODY. ILL GET TO FLY BY HEAVEN TO GET A QUICK GLIMPSE OF WHAT ALL THIS LIFE I LIVED WAS ALL ABOUT !