I have to admit.I still am holding back..not so much in Fear as one might think or even as I emotionally thought. I hold back so much of me because I am changing Mentally .Emotionally.Spiritually and Physically.. I am learning I cant be all that I use to be..boy is that HARD..
FOR INSTANCE.. I want to jump out there and help the younging work on his old chevy..but instead I walked out and offered him some exstentions ratchets that I had gotten back when I asked my husband to change the altenator on my avalanche .I could not even lift it up into the motor housing..I shared the same wisdom with him as I did with my ex back then..
You can Google what you are looking to replace and find videos of complete instalation on how to..Pick the guy or gal you resignate with watch the full video a couple times to be sure you have all the tools ect you will need. nithing worse then having to hunt diwn a tool mid installation haha like my ex….See he was a computer geek his hands were softer then mine. It was a compliment ti be with someone opposite of me so I thought for many many years. Yet after many years it was I who done all the labor he helped some but complained and complained. I did most by myself..That my friend was a sure deal breaker..I finally encouraged him to go be a Truck driver if thats what he wanted.
After he got that job he changed drastically..We were married .he paid the bills but stop coming home. Then he started callung ither truck drivers and thier wives to talk to..While I hung on for dear life I knew he was cheating . I blew up at first then I accepted it on his grounds. Though I begged for a divorce while i was younger haha. He refused.. I was his trophe. He was my safety net..and still is til one more year.
Let me tell you that it shoukd of ended a very ling time ago..but I was in live scared hurt alone and he knew it.. Though he meant well on not just running it handicapped me worse then any one can immagine..I believed he woukd always be there.I even after 4 yrs seperation went back to him nit knowing what I know now ..He had already had a plan.
The point is…I begged to go to school and have army medical he refused Every few months he changed i surance and doctors ..it was pure hell..by time we were going our seperate ways. Me to my grandbabies and farm back home he was still cheating. I would rent a house he would after agreeing he stopped the money ..I list the deposit and was forced bk home. Only to be beaten almost killed and humiliated and ABANDONED..Sicker then any of us really knew..My Heart was Broken ..no really .I had given up on life ..and so my heart was giving up too.
See dont you understand I knew better..I was independent when he met me and I became so vulnerable in trusting him it was bound to happen ..WHEN WE GIVE ALL OUR POWER OVER TO SOMEONE ELSE.WE RELINQUISH ALL RUGHT TO BITCH AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT….
SAD THING IS I WANTED THAT SO BADLY…I WANTED TO BE AT HOME WIFE AND MOTHER AND TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY AND NOT HAVE TO WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME..BECAUSE I WAS DAMN GOOD AT IT….I BEGGED TO HAVE KNOWELEGDE AND EQUAL SAY OF THE BILLS ECT.. I WAS DAMN GOOD AT PAYING MY BILLS .. BUT I AGREED TO LET HIM DO IT ALL AFTER HE WAS RELEASED FROM THE ARMY..HE NEEDED THE STRESS ..HE DIDNT BUT HE FELT HE NEEDED IT FOR HIS MANHOOD…
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR IN ANY GIVEN MOMENT YOU MAY GET IT..WITH NO RETURNS….
I CONTINUED TO SPIN MY WEB OF INSECURITY AND GIVNG UP ALL RIGHTS TO FIGHT FIR ANYTHIBG INCLUDING MY BACK INJURY I SETTLED OUT OF COURT.
I FIGURED I WAS WEAK AND UNWORTHY OF A LIFE WHERE I MADE ALL THE DECISIONS .I WAS A WOMAN LIVING IN A MANS WORLD AND I WAS TO BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD..I WAS TROPHY I WAS GREAT TO LOOK AT AND BE USED AND ABUSED HOW EVER A MAN DEEMED FIT FOR HIS OCCASION..ACTUALLY FROM A CHILD UP.. I WAS GREAT AT RELINQUISHING POWER OVER AND BUILDING UP THE MAN AFTER ALL HE WAS THE BREAD WINNER..OH BY HIS CHOICE…HOW DARE I THINK I COULD DO OR BE ANYTHING MORE…..AHH I HAD SO MUCH RESENTMENT IN ME ..I BECAME LOUDER AND LOUDER..I COULD BLOW UP AND EVERYTHING WOUKD SCATTER BECAUSE I HAD TO HAVE SOME SAY IN THIS LIFE…I WAS TRAINED TO BE A BITCH BUT I KNEW MY PLACE….
IT HAS TAKEN ME DOWN A PATH I AM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY ASTOUNDED..NOW ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE EQUAL SAY..TO BE CONCIDERED..TO BE ASKED MY OPINION.. I HAVE GAVE IN GAVE UP SO OFTEN IN SHEAR TERROR AND CONFUSION THE BATTLE IN MY MIND AND BODY WERE SO BAD ..I KNEW I COUKD DO MORE I KNEW I WAS SMARTER .I KNEW I HAD RIGHTS…BUT I JUST COULD NIT FIGHT AND ARGUE NO MORE FOR ANYTHING…MY BIDY WAS SHUTTING DOWN THEN ALSO MY MIND…THE SIEZURES IH THE SIEZURES…THEY PISSED HIM OFF SO BAD BECAUSE HE NO LONGER HAD CONTROL..
TO THIS DAY IF IT BECOMES TOO OVERWHELMING I GO INTO A SIEZURE.. THOUGH I CRY ADMITTING THIS .. I CANNIT NOR WILL NOT EVER EVER BE CONTROLLED BECAUSE MY BODY MY MIND SAYS NOPE NOPE NOOO.
I PRAY THAT THIS HELPS YOU ..WHEN I SAY FEEL THE FEAR..OR YOU CAN DO IT ..I MEAN IT….THINK OF THIS….IF YOU CONTINUE TO HAND OVER YOUR LIFE TO SOMEONE OR SOMETHING AND ALWAYS. BE THE ONE TO GIVE IN AND PLEASE EVERYONE ELSE…YOUR BODY YOUR MIND YOUR SPIRIT WILL FIGHT YOU…..BECAUSE INSIDE YOU KNOW YOU WANT SONETHING BETTER ..DIFFERENT..YOU WERE BORN TO CREATE AND NOT BE UNDER DICTATION..
SO BEFORE YOU GIVE IN ONE TIME MORE…SAY TO YOUR SELF ……I AM WORTHY…I CAN….I WILL MAKE IT !!!
YOU JUST HAVE TO START LUSTENING TO THE INNER MAN…YOUR SOUL WANTS TO TALK TO YOU….SLOW DOWN AND STOP RUSHIBG INTO DECISSIONS YOU KNOW FROM THE VERY MOMENT YOU WERE ASKED OR TOLD SOMETHING YOU KNEW INSIDE THE ANSWER WAS. HELL NO… NO NO NO NO……BUT YOU CANT STAND TO SEE ANYONE UPSET OR HURT SO YOU PUT YOURSELF ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK INSTEAD…
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE DONE THAT ?
YEA WELL THATS HIW MANY TIMES ITS GONNA TAKE TO UNDO….
YOU HAVE TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER YOUR INNER MAN IS FIGHTING FOR YOU TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF….. IT WONT BE EASY ..BUT IT IS POSSIBLE…TRUST ME .IM LIVING PROOF……..DO YOU FIRST…..YOU ARE THE FURST PERSON YOU NEED TO THINK OF AND FIGHT FOR..SOUNDS HARSH…OK WELL WITHOUT YOU ALL LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT….YOU……SO DO YOU FIRST.
AND FOR GODS SAKE THAT DONT MEAN TO GO ABUSE AND NEGLECT OTHERS AND YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES…GET A GOOD MENTOR…SONEONE YOU RESPECT AND HONOR..AND HELL NO. NOT YOUR YES PEEPS ..THEY WILL TELL YOU YES WHILE THEY STEAL FROM YOUR BROKEN SELF..THEY WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR WEAKNESSES ..THEY WILL TELL YOU HOW MUCH THEY LIVE YOU ALL THE WHILE SUCK EVERYTHING YOU HAVE LEFT OUT OF YOU…… NONONONO……GO ALONE…
YOU WANNA KNOW WHO YOU ARE DEEP INSIDE…GO ALONE DAILY….WHAT DO YOU THINK PRAYER IS AND WORSHIP IS?
WHY DO YOU THINK MEN CALL THE TOILET THEIR THRONE? BECAUSE ALONE YOU ARE THE KING..OR QUEEN…YOU GOT TO ALONE FOR YOU TO HEAR YOURSELF…TO BE ALINE IS NOT A BAD THING …DONT YOU GET IT? EVEN JESUS WENT TO BE ALONE…..YOU HAVE QUESTIONS…ASK YOU FIRST…YOU GET STUCK …MEDITATE…..YOU NEED SPARKS TO FLY…FIND A GOOD MENTOR….. IT WAS IN YOU THE WHOLE TIME BUT SONEONE MADE YOU FEEL GUILTY…..SOMEONE IS ALWAYS GONNA TRY MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY ….WHY? SO THEY CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND…….
SO YEA .IM NOT GIVING MY ALL IM SHARING EXSACTLY WHAT I WANT TO..ON MY TERMS…..BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE THATS WHY WE LOVE THEM SO MUCH. BUT THE WINDS CAN GUST THEM INTO PLACES THEY DIDNT PLAN…THEY JUST DO WHAT THEY KNOW TO DO FLY.FLY FLY
KEEP FLYING YOUR JOURNEY CAN BE EXCITING AS YOU WILL LET IT…BUT YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF ALL THE OLD BELIEFS…